BY CLIFF ELLEN. [RE-WRITE IN PROCESS]
SCENE 1. A MIDDLE CLASS HOUSE IN SUBURBAN AUSTRALIA. MOLLY IS IN THE LOUNGE-ROOM PORING OVER TRAVEL BROCHURES. FRANK IS OFFSTAGE, AND CAN BE HEARD SINGING..”There’ll be blue birds over, the white cliffs
MOLLY Frank. Come here.
FRANK(OFF) “Tomorrow, just you wait and see”
FRANK (ENTERS WITH A VERY LARGE THERMOS FLASK, AND TWO LARGE BOTTLES
MOLLY This one has a balcony darling. And a swimming pool.
FRANK When did you last swim? (SHOWS WATER BOTTLES) Straight from
Hepburn Springs Moll.
MOLLY Hotel de Fieubert!
Powerball tonight. I have a feeling!
MOLLY First time for everything.
FRANK Business class if I win.
MOLLY A balcony. Paris. Roma. Architecture. Atmosphere. Picasso.
$40 a night extra for 4 nights.
FRANK For a bloody
MOLLY I want to fly Frank; like a bird. I want to sit on my balcony in my Chanel black negligee, overlooking Paris, and drink French wine.
FRANK Brut Rosé?
MOLLY Morning swims after a long walk.
FRANK (KISSES MOLLY ON THE NECK) I’ll swim when we get to Meek-onos.
Find a nice 2 star with a big breakfast. And a telly.
MOLLY I’m not watching television overseas.
FRANK We wont be out gallivanting every night.
MOLLY We can gallivant on our balcony?
FRANK I’m bringing vegemite.
MOLLY Why don’t we gallivant now?
FRANK I want to watch the news. Will we take this water?
MOLLY You’re not watching television overseas.
FRANK Who said no last night?
MOLLY I beg your pardon!
FRANK You were asleep.
MOLLY Let’s have nookies now.
lock the front door.
FRANK Wait till after the news.
FRANK I'm busy.
MOLLY You’ve jumped the fence.
FRANK The kids would have a heart attack if they caught us.
MOLLY They know darling.
FRANK They can go for their lives, but we must remain respectable.
MOLLY Do you want to know about their sex habits?
FRANK See? That turns me off.
MOLLY You’ll be king in a 4 star.
FRANK Athens only eh?
I want the Amari. Bangkok.
FRANK Full of drugrunners.
MOLLY We’re explorers!
FRANK Bob hasn’t given me a father’s day present in 5 years.
MOLLY Bob’s not into presents.
25. When do we switch roles?
MOLLY It’s my money too Mr financial advisor. You never listen.
FRANK I’m listening.
MOLLY Men have selective hearing.
FRANK(FRANK KISSES) We can have a matinee every day.
MOLLY You wouldn’t last.
FRANK The pills are cheaper overseas.
MOLLY We might see the Pope. Balconies. A pool.
FRANK Empty pockets.
MOLLYFor seven whole glorious weeks. (MOLLY GLIDES AROUND THE ROOM.) Four stars? (AND GLIDING FRANK TO THE BEDROOM)
FRANK(PICKING UP THE THERMOS) I really think we’ll need this thermos.
MOLLY As long as you carry it darling.
FRANK And vegemite.
MOLLY Just us and...oblivion.
You'll fall off your balcony.
MOLLY Lock the front door.
FRANK They’d ring first, wouldn’t they?
MOLLY They would darling. (AND OFF)
BLACKOUT. (OFF-DURING THE BLACKOUT)
FRANK: If they see the car they’ll know we’re home.
MOLLY: Shush darling.
FRANK: What if they didn’t ring?
MOLLY: Will you put that bloody thermos down.
FRANK:Should I take a pill? (SMACK) Ooh,
SCENE 2. FRANK AND MOLLY ARE ABOUT TO LEAVE FOR THE AIRPORT. MOLLY, CARRYING HER PRECIOUS CAMERA, HAS A PRACTICAL BACKPACK ON, A SMALL CASE WITH WHEELS AND A
PULL OUT HANDLE. FRANK’S LUGGAGE CONSISTS OF A VERY LARGE SUITCASE ON DETACHABLE METAL WHEELS, AND AN OLD CARRY BAG.
FRANK(CALLS) Where did you put the tickets?
MOLLY (ENTERING, WITH CAMERA. BACKPACK ON) In your jacket with our
passports. You’re not bringing that dreadful carry bag?
FRANK It’s got all my pills in it. Books, currency converter, disposable toilet seat covers, travel pillow, diary, pens, umbrella, binoculars, glasses, water-
MOLLY Morning fresh?
MOLLY Hurry up. Taxi’s due any minute.
FRANK Why couldn’t Bob drive us?
MOLLY Bob has a job to go to.
FRANK We always drive them.
MOLLY Will you hurry up!
Money. Credit cards. Phone. Shit! My reading glasses. Where are the bastards?
MOLLY Did you cancel the paper?
FRANK(TAXI HORN) (CALLS) We’re coming. I can’t find my glasses.
MOLLY Have you got your teeth in?
FRANK They’ve disappeared!
MOLLY Have you got the phone?
FRANK(FINDS GLASSES) I did not put them there.
FRANK I’ve got the bloody phone. I’m not stupid. Passports?
MOLLY With our tickets.
FRANK I’m exhausted.
MOLLY We should have stayed at the airport overnight.
FRANK I feel sick.
MOLLY I want to take a photo.
FRANK(TAXI HORN) I’m coming. Stay calm. Did you turn the gas off?
Will you hurry up!
FRANK I hope the pilot’s had an early night.
MOLLY Stay there.
FRANK (CARRYING THE LUGGAGE.) I’m going to miss the dog.
MOLLY (CAMERA) I’m setting the timer.
FRANK You’ll miss “The
Bold and the Beautiful”.
FRANK OK. OK. Relax. Wellness, remember.
MOLLY Stay still.
FRANK These cases are heavy. (SFX TAXI. FRANK CALLS) We’re coming. You’d think he was paying.
The timer’s not working.
FRANK(MOVES) Give it to me.
MOLLY(SHARPLY) Don’t you dare touch my camera.
FRANK Use the phone.
MOLLY Don’t move. (MOLLY HURRIES INTO POSITION.)
FRANK I desperately need
MOLLY You can pee at the airport.
FRANK It’s my prostate.
MOLLY Smile darling. (THEY WAIT 5 SECONDS. THE TAXI HORN HONKS)
FRANK (SHOUTS) We’re coming. Bloody idiot. (JUST AS THE CAMERA CLICKS)
FRANK Shit...sorry love.
BLACKOUT- FILM...MAP OF THE WORLD-THE WORM ZIPPING ACROSS THE ROUTE.
SCENE 3. LONDON. A LONDON STREET
IN THE WEST END. MOLLY CARRIES A BOOKLET ON LONDON A-Z. FRANK IS STRUGGLING UNDER THE WEIGHT OF HIS LUGGAGE AND MOLLY’S WHEELY CASE.
FRANK Where is the bloody street? Is it in hiding. I’ve lost a stone. 20 hours
on an aeroplane-terrorists.
MOLLY Thousands of people have beards Frank.
FRANK Not with a turban on their head. A screaming 2 year old monster alongside us, invisible air hostesses, and babes in the woods. Lost in space love. This is traffic
MOLLY You wanted the double decker.
FRANK I wanted to get the feel of the place. History darling. The will to learn.
(FRANK STEPS OUT ONTO THE ROAD-SFX A HONKING MOTORIST) How about a bit of goodwill for visitors you
mongrel. You see that Moll? Nearly bowled me over. Heathrow. World famous airport? No beer before 10am?
MOLLY (STRUGGLING WITH HER MAP) Drink some of your water.
FRANK It’s packed away. Come on woman, I’m exhausted. My
feet are killing me. The cushions on the balls are dead.
MOLLY I beg your pardon?
FRANK The balls of my feet. Kids on bloody aeroplanes. No chance them getting economy class syndrome.
MOLLY You check it then. Here. (MOLLY GIVES HIM THE
MAP.) Wasn’t the boy’s fault. Poor little fellow. Look at your shirt. It’s filthy.
FRANK Spaghetti Bolognese. I’m not a contortionist. (FONDLING HIS MONEY BELT) Only 47 days till we get back to Melbourne.
MOLLY What are you doing?
FRANK It’s this money
belt love. It’s pressing on my prostate.
MOLLY You look like you’re playing with yourself.
FRANK It’s falling down my pants.
MOLLY You look like a pervert. Stay calm. You’ll have another of your panic attacks.
FRANK Should have slipped him a Valium with his bottle. I don’t want this. (HE GIVES MOLLY THE MAP) I hate looking like a tourist. Standing smack bang in the middle of the West End.
MOLLY The print’s too small Frank.
FRANK London A-Z. In microprint. Thomas doesn’t play up like that.
MOLLY The boy had an earache. My glasses are here somewhere. It’s the next street after this one. This is Gordon I think. London. We must telephone home soon.
FRANK Let’s find a pub and get some bearings.
MOLLY Stay calm darling.
FRANK I’m not the one with blood pressure.
MOLLY You’ll get nauseous. There’s Gordon. It’s the next one up. We’ll check
in and a nice shower.
FRANK I’d kill for a cigarette.
MOLLY How is your back?
MOLLY Did you bring the Dencorub.
FRANK I brought the whole bloody house.
MOLLY I’ll massage it when we get
FRANK Just one smoke love, please please? (TO PASSER-BY) Excuse me mate, I was wondering if you could help us? (FRANK IS FIDDLING WITH HIS MONEY BELT) We’re looking for Gower Street....Gower Street?
SUSPICIOUSLY AT THE SIGHT) Sorry, I don’t carry spare coin. (LOOKS AT MOLLY QUIZZICALLY)
MOLLY He’s not with me. (PASSER-BY BACKS OFF WARILY, EXITING.)
FRANK This is the West End isn’t it mate? Did you see that Moll? Bloody
pommies. They wonder why we have a go at them. (CALLS) Manners cost nothing mate. No wonder you can’t play cricket. (MOBILE PHONE RINGS.)
MOLLY(VERY LOUD.) Hello. Hello. Hello darling. We’re here! It’s Elizabeth, Frank. Hello
darling. It’s Elizabeth Frank.
FRANK I heard you. (TO HIMSELF) So did half of London.
MOLLYOh It’s wonderful. Yes. We’re in London...Yes darling, I can wait.
FRANK.....Wait for what?
She’s just topping up her glass of wine.
FRANK Who’s phone is she ringing from?
MOLLY Shush!. (PHONE) Yes. We’re in London! No I’m fine darling-got a bit dizzy on the plane so I took a pill. I feel fine now. How
is little Sarah? Did she. Frank, Sarah said Dada. Isn’t she a treat. Did you take a picture? Send it to me.
FRANK Who’s phone is she ringing from?
MOLLY It’s so big. All hustle and bustle.
her if she’s calling from our phone.
MOLLY Can’t wait to get to Oxford Street and all the shops.
FRANK Ask her to check if you turned the gas off.
MOLLY Heading towards our B & B...Lost his bearings. Silly old fart.
MOLLY I can’t hear. (TO ELIZABETH) OK love. (5 SECOND PAUSE)
FRANK...What’s she saying?
MOLLY She’s on call waiting.
FRANK I don’t believe it.
Hello love, yes, I’m still here. What? Lizzy? Lizzy? Oh, it’s cut out. Frank, it’s cut out.
FRANK (TO HIMSELF) Thank you, Lord!
MOLLY The battery’s run out. You’ll have to get it charged as soon as we get to
the hotel. They’ll be worried sick now.
FRANK Was she ringing from her place?
MOLLY She’s having a sleepover.
SCENE 4. LONDON STREET. THE FOLLOWING DAY. A BACK STREET IN THE WEST END. MOLLY AND FRANK APPROACH A DOUBLE DECKER BUS. THE DRIVER IS ON A REST BREAK, EATING A SANDWICH.
FRANK G’day there mate. Take your time. What’s
the score is with these tourist buses? (DRIVER FINISHES HIS MOUTHFUL/FOOD)
DRIVER...You’re Australian then?
FRANK How did you pick it?
DRIVER It’s the accent you know. I knew a lovely Irish lass went to Australia. Married
an Italian. Asumpta O’Reilly.
FRANK Red hair and freckles.
DRIVERA vision of loveliness was Asumpta.
FRANK Plenty of fish mate. Frank’s the name. What’s the score on the sights of London?
depends I’m afraid, doesn’t it?
FRANK Does it?
DRIVER What do you have in mind? Got everything here. The world’s most liveable city.
FRANK This is my wife Molly.
DRIVER Derrick is the name Molly. Welcome
MOLLY Thank you Derrick.
DRIVER What particular spots do you wish to see in our historic city Molly? The “centre” of the Universe.
MOLLY Trafalgar Square Derrick? Big Ben, Parliament House, the Palace of course-
FRANK My wife’s a Royalist.
MOLLY History Frank.
DRIVER The will to learn Molly. The art of learning is to conceal learning.
FRANK You’re doing well so far.
MOLLY He’s a philistine Derrick.
FRANK Harrods? It's a bloody shop.
DRIVER Wouldn’t be London without Harrods Frank.
FRANK You on a commission?
DRIVER Goodwill Frank.
MOLLY Listen to the man Frank.
FRANK I’m a lifetime
DRIVER As for seeing them all at the one time. Not that simple I’m afraid.
FRANK Are we talking money?
DRIVER Economy Frank. (DRONING ON) Four buses you see. All colour coded. Black, yellow, red, and green. Here’s
a brochure highlighting the four routes. Special colour coding. It’s all here. You keep it Molly. My pleasure. Lovely shoes. But in fact overlapping at various intervals, so you, the tourist, can board and alight at will. All, may I add, with some pride,
for one 24 hour price. All part of the service Molly. Some tourists, different tastes. Prefer museums, history and the like. Others the theatre, West End, Piccadilly Circus.
FRANK What’s the damage?
DRIVER That’s the trick, isn’t
MOLLY I’ll belt you!
FRANK: She can be brutal Derrick.
DRIVER (AND ON) Most tourists buy their tickets in the morning. They don’t listen Frank. Very few tourists listen as it happens Molly.
FRANK (NOT LISTENING) Sorry?
DRIVER Flat out like bulls at a gate they are. Exhausted come tea time. Waste half of their 24 hour ticket. Think planning Frank!
FRANK Think what?
DRIVER Buy the ticket early afternoon. One o'clock.
Have a look see. Please yourself. All afternoon. Rest up. Nice glass of red. After tea you’re off again. London by night Molly?
MOLLY Harrods by night, Derrick.
DRIVER Next morning you’re refreshed! Bangers and eggs. All for
the one 24 hour price.
MOLLY Do you mind if I take your photo Derrick?
(DERRICK IS CHUFFED) Not at all Molly. Where are you staying?
MOLLY Arran House in Gower Street.
DRIVER Very nice. Lovely outfit.
MOLLY Thank you Derrick.
DRIVER For a lovely lady.
MOLLY Frank, get in close to Derrick.
(FRANK NOT KEEN, TAKES PHOTO.) Thank you Derrick.
DRIVER My pleasure. (THEY START TO LEAVE) You know, a friend of mine, his wife had a sister who went to Australia 20 years ago. My friend’s wife took herself off for a visit over three months
ago. Hasn’t come home yet. My friend is not complaining.
FRANK Are you a smoker Derrick?
MOLLY You dare. (LEAVING)
FRANK (CALLING) Asumpta O’Reilly.
DRIVER I could have married her Frank.
let the grass grow Derrick. Full of snakes.
MOLLY (THEY WALK AWAY) What a nice man.
FRANK He had the hots for you. It’s likely Mrs Derrick that went to Australia. Bloody purve.
MOLLY He was a gentleman darling.
the cot with Derrick and you’d cop a lecture on the best way to do it.
MOLLY Stop it.
FRANK Assumpta was lucky. Why don’t you go on the red bus first, and I’ll join you on the yellow bus, thereby skipping Harrods? (MOLLY STARES)
No? Right. Now we have London sorted. Warm beer, 10 million people, and endless queues. Just have to figure out how to hold the shower in one hand and the soap in the other.
MOLLY I’ll hold the soap.
don’t deserve it.
FRANK Two nights running. Derrick was right. History.
SCENE 5. A HOTEL ROOM. GOWER STREET, LONDON. MOLLY STUDIES A MUCH
LARGER LONDON MAP A-Z. FRANK IS OFFSTAGE...
FRANK (CALLING) It doesn’t work love.
MOLLYHave you got it strapped properly?
FRANKYou didn’t tell me about any bloody straps.
MOLLYBring it here.
FRANKI can’t see straps?
MOLLYThe only time you’re of any use is at tax time.
FRANK (ENTERING WITH CASE AND TROLLEY TYPE LUGGAGE WHEELS)
We cart the bloody thing half way around the world-
MOLLYGive it to me. (MOLLY ADJUSTS IT)
FRANKYou said we couldn’t do without them. I’ve got to cart this all the way to
Stansted Airport, wherever
that is. I haven’t even spotted a service station.
MOLLYWhy would we want a service station?
FRANKNot the point.
MOLLYIt saves your hernia.
FRANKI’ve got to cart
this thing to the bus stop.
MOLLYWe’ll catch a taxi to the airport.
FRANKWe will not catch a taxi. Not after your visit to Harrods.
MOLLYWasn’t it wonderful of Derrick to
show me around.
FRANKHe's good for something.
MOLLYAre you jealous?
FRANKYes. Let's go for the record?
FRANKWe’ll have to buy another
case. They hit the back of my leg when I walk. The right leg. See? They’re a pain in the bloody neck.
MOLLYThe back of your leg.
MOLLYBack of your right leg. Not your neck.
FRANK(MOLLY LAUGHS) Funny darling. Very funny. My legs are sore up here, see?
MOLLYThat’s poor circulation from smoking.
FRANKWe are stuck with these useless heavy wheels for another 6 weeks.
about the Greek Islands? And Paris, Montmartre.
MOLLYI was doing it to make it easier for you, Goose.
FRANKThey hit the back of my leg. Post it back. That’s the answer. Not your
fault. You were doing your best love. Post the bastard back.
MOLLYShould we post the thermos back, and your overcoat, and your weet-bix?
FRANKI’m eating the weet-bix.
post it back.
FRANKWe could say we lost it in Bangkok. She’d believe that. She votes One Nation.
MOLLYPack it in the bottom of your underwear case. Put your pillow on top of
you’re underwear on top of your pillow.
FRANKAnd the power points don’t work.
MOLLYWe need an adaptor.
FRANKI’m not a bloody electrician darling.
MOLLYI’m making a list of things I want to say to Elizabeth and Bob on the phone. Anything you want to add?
FRANKWait till we get to Paris.
MOLLYI’ll call again from Paris.
don’t have to call them both. Call Liz, and let her call Bob.
MOLLYBob would feel left out.
FRANKWhy not send a card?
MOLLYI’ve already sent cards.
MOLLY Because it’s nice.
FRANK A wonder you didn’t send one to the dog.
FRANKRing tomorrow. Offset the cost of a new case.
MOLLYFrank! (FRANK GETS THE PHONE.)
FRANKBloody bully. You know we’re
going to miss the Grand Final.
MOLLYThe Magpies aren’t in it.
FRANKTell me something I don’t know. Ooh, my bloody leg.
MOLLY(EXITING) Not likely to be in it ever again.
FRANKWhere are you going?
MOLLY(OFF) I’m getting you a valium before you have another panic attack.
FRANKI don’t need a valium.
MOLLY(CALLS) Breathe in, count to three.
FRANK/MOLLY-(IN UNISON) Breathe out, count to three. Relax.
MOLLY(CALLS) From the diaphragm, darling.
FRANK (MIMICS MOLLY’S WORDS/NO SOUND). Just one smoke?
SCENE 6. PARIS EIFFEL. MOLLY HAS COME DOWN FROM THE TOP OF THE EIFFEL TOWER. SHE HAS HER BACKPACK, CAMERA, MAP, AND GUIDE BOOK. FRANK IS OFFSTAGE.
MOLLY(A FLIRTATIOUS MOLLY. PIERRE HANDS HER THE
CAMERA. WHISPERS TO HER, “Si pourquoi est-ce que nous parlons l’espagnol?” THEY LAUGH. PUNCH LINE/JOKE-”Then why are we talking Spanish?”) Thank you Pierre. That was delightful.
PIERREMy pleasure Mollee. A
joy to have conversation with a beautiful, intelligent, Mademoiselle.
MOLLYNot a Madam?
PIERRENe-ver a Madam, Mademoiselle Mollee.
MOLLYYou’re a charmer Pierre.
is the city of Amour Mollee. What good fortune for me, your husband is, how you say, crook?
MOLLYThere’s a tiger snake in his pockets.
PIERRELucky man. Oui?
MOLLY(LAUGHS) He doesn’t
PIERRE(KISSES MOLLY ON THE HAND) Aha. Mademoiselle Mollee. Enjoy. Perhaps we can meet again?
PIERRETomorrow. Le Louvre. Oui?
PIERREOui. Oui. Adieu. (PIERRE EXITS - FRANK ENTERS)
FRANKWho was that?
MOLLYPierre. He took some photos of me up the top.
FRANKKissing your hand?
MOLLYA woman likes to be appreciated.
FRANKDid you tell him you’re a grandmother?
MOLLYHe would never have believed it. (LAUGHS) Mademoiselle.
FRANKHe fancied you. Another Derrick.
MOLLYNot all men are like you Frank.
FRANKNo. Some are worse/
MOLLYThe Eiffel Tower. Pronounced Effelle.
We’ll be needing a new roll of film shortly.
FRANKI bought three rolls duty free.
MOLLYThree is not enough Frank.
FRANK1792 steps. Better view in the Dandenongs.
It was completed in 1889 by Gustave Eiffel, originally a 300 metre design by Maurice Koechlin & Emile Nouguier, Eiffel’s engineers, then redesigned to 312 metres by architect Stephen Sauvestre, by adding an arch at the bottom. Made an historic monument
MOLLYAre you listening?
FRANKYes darling. Always. Gustave. My feet are falling off.
MOLLYWe’ll find the Louvre first, then we’ll
sit down and have a cafe oh latte. Isn’t Paris magical?
FRANKCity of illusions. Our money. Now you see it, now you don’t.
MOLLYMade me feel 10 years younger.
FRANKShould have brought
MOLLYThe Mona Lisa, the Cone, then Pere Lachaise cemetery.
FRANKWhy a cemetery?
MOLLYI have to see Oscar Wilde’s grave. Maria Callas. Collette.
haven’t seen the Melbourne cemetery.
MOLLYFor godsake Frank. Keep yourself nice..
FRANKI could have stayed back at the hotel watching CNN.
MOLLY(ANNOYED) Don’t be so bloody
FRANKI thought Notre Dame was an American football team.
MOLLYI mean it Frank. You’re a fucking Philistine.
FRANKMust you swear?
MOLLY(MOVING OFF) I think it’s
FRANKIt’s that way.
MOLLYHow would you know?
FRANKI checked the map this morning. It’s a circle, see? (POINTS) River Seine, Notre Dame, Eiffel Tower, Louvre. Save standing
here like a gork staring at a map. (FRANK INQUIRES OF AN OFFSTAGE PASSER-BY) Excuse me mate. (NO RESPONSE-THEN ANOTHER) Excuse me mate-Parlez Vous Louvre? Louve-rey? Bloody useless. The men ignore you and the women all have dogs pissing on the footpaths. Bloody
little ankle biters.
MOLLYYou’re a pain in the arse Frank. You can’t expect them to understand you when you insist on calling everyone mate. Learn the language. Bonjour. Merci. Parley vous Englais? Voulez-vous couchez
avec moi? It’s simple enough. (WALKS ON)
FRANKThat is the wrong way. Now who never listens.
MOLLYWill you stop it. We’re on holidays for chrissake.
saying is it’s over that way. The North Bank. See that building?
MOLLYRubbish Frank. (ENGROSSED IN MAP) You got lost in Ikea.
FRANKSo does half of Melbourne
MOLLYAre you coming or just
FRANKIt’s over that way. By that toilet. (MOLLY LOST IN THOUGHT BY WAY OF HER MAP & CITY LANDMARKS) We got off the train, walked up the stairs, came out at the top of the steps near that pissoire. (INDICATES)
MOLLYThose “pissoires” are all over the city you fool.
FRANKDon’t say I didn’t tell you. Bloody common sense. You never listen. God it’s hot. How do they stand it? The whole of
Paris sits on the footpaths drinking very expensive ordinary coffee served by reactionary shopkeepers. Must all be rich. Bloody snobs. What’s wrong with “mate”?
MOLLYGo back to the hotel. I can find my way
around without you. I can find my way around in spite of you. Pierre offered to show me.
FRANKAnd we both know why.
MOLLYBecause he’s a gentleman.
FRANKNo such animal.
FRANKWe’re going around in circles, that’s all I’m saying darling.
MOLLYDon’t “darling” me.
FRANKWe need to find a 7-eleven.
MOLLYEnough! I’ve had enough. I can’t take it anymore.
MOLLYI’m going on my own. I don’t know why I wanted you to come in the first place. I should have gone with Pierre. You go
back to the hotel. If you can find it. Give me some money. Arsehole!
MOLLYYou will not come. I want to go alone. I’d rather go alone. Money! (FRANK GIVES MOLLY MONEY) Now piss off. (MOLLY
FRANKCharming. Shit. She’s going round the block. I’ll just wait here. Bloody holidays. Bloody frogs. Why can’t they speak English? Why should you have to pay for a piss? Why do they want the exact
money? And the Attendant’s are all females. Madam bloody pee pee’s. Peeing is an event. You have to be psychologically attuned. (LOOKS) God, I’ve lost her. She’s got the map. Shit. Over five weeks to go. Self pity and sorrow-the
Gods of misfortune. Flowers! She loves flowers. Parley vous flo-werz? And chocolates! Catch a taxi back to that crummy hotel. (CALLS) Taxi! Shiiit! What was the name of the hotel?
SCENE 7. PARIS BAR. A PARIS BAR. EMPTY, APART FROM THE BARMAN. FRANK SINATRA SONG “ONE FOR MY BABY” IN THE BACKGROUND. MOLLY ENTERS, SITS ON A STOOL AT THE BAR.
MOLLYSet them up Joe.
BARMANSeven up madam?
MOLLYNo, sorry. I was daydreaming. An old Frank Sinatra song. A favourite of my husband and I. Long, long ago. Brandy and dry please
BARMANAhh. Let me guess. You have an argument, oui?
MOLLYOui Joe. We had an argument. A tiff .In Paris of all places.
BARMANCity of amour Madam.
of romance, Joe. That’s what Paris does to you. Reminds you of the romance...that once was.
MOLLYOf what I’m missing, what I need.
BARMANWe all need romance, Madam.
MOLLYWe do indeed Joe. We do indeed. The real magic.
is a very good listener, Madam.
MOLLYJoe is delightful. (TAKES HER DRINK. PAYS) Merci Joe. It’s not so easy this holiday business. The big adventure after a lifetime together. Thirty-seven years.
MOLLYOui. Different personalities. Trying to compromise. Searching for that old feeling, the kisses, the cuddles.
BARMANThe love has gone Madam?
MOLLYTemporarily misplaced Joe.
BARMANOne must not dwell on the past Madam. The future-it beck-ons.
MOLLYAnd the present?
BARMANThe present is the future Madam, and the past.
MOLLY(LAUGHS) You married Joe?
BARMANThree times Madam.
BARMANGet in, madam. Variety. Good for the spirit. Oui?
MOLLY(FLIRTATIOUS) Is that so?
BARMANSo, it is Madam. A lovely lady like you
should try it.
BARMANOf course, Madam. You only live once.
MOLLYSounds like a movie.
BARMANA song, the seven-up song! ... Joe finishes in one hour.
MOLLYVariety Joe. I like the sound of that.
BARMANWe will sing the same song. Oui?
MOLLYI’m a grandmother you know.
BARMANSo is Racquel Welch Madam. “A lovely lady, garmented
in light. From her own beauty”
BARMANShelley, madam. Lust never sleeps.
BARMANJoe finishes in 57 minutes.
MOLLY(LAUGHS) Shelley. They should pay you double. I need a shovel Joe.
BARMANA shovel, Madam?
MOLLYTo hit the old bastard over the head with.
BARMANTake careful aim madam. Better dead than injured. Oui?
MOLLYHe needs me Joe. He’s a man you see.
BARMAN56 minutes Madam.
MOLLY(SMILES) Play that song again.
SCENE 8. PARIS. MOLLY & FRANK’S HOTEL ROOM, AVENUE D’ITALIE,13TH ARRONDISMENT. FRANK HAS BOUGHT FLOWERS/CHOCOLATES.
FRANKWhere have you been? I was worried.
MOLLY(A SHADE TIDDLY) Out.
FRANKHow was the cemetery?
FRANKI bought you
MOLLYPut them in a vase.
FRANKThey haven’t got one.
MOLLYYou didn’t bring a vase?
FRANK(FRANK FINDS A GLASS/HANDS HER CHOCOLATES) I’m sorry
MOLLYDarling? You found the hotel then?
FRANKCaught a taxi.
MOLLYHow much did it cost?
FRANKI can’t help being prudent darling.
MOLLYYou can, you know.
FRANKWe might live till we’re eighty.
MOLLYYou’ll be ninety five.
FRANKAre you alright?
MOLLYI’ve had a wonderful afternoon.
I walked with the Sparrow and the Diva...and Oscar.
FRANK“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the
MOLLY(EXAMINES HERSELF) Do you think I look like Racquel Welch?
MOLLYThe top of The Eiffel Tower. Paris, laid out all around me, at my feet.
FRANKI went half way.
MOLLYDon’t be ridiculous.
lack the will darling, just the strength.
MOLLYYou don’t understand Frank. You have to do it. Go to the top. You love travelogues. Didn’t they have any meaning? I’ve read books since I was a girl. I’ve always
wanted to see things, fulfilling dreams.
Can you understand that?
MOLLYIf you want to be a Knight you’ve got to act like one.
FRANKIt’s one thing
to look darling; it’s another altogether to actually see.
MOLLYI beg your pardon?
FRANKA flash of insight.
MOLLYA blood clot. Aren’t you overwhelmed by the sheer physical beauty of
Paris? You only ever go half way Frank.
FRANKI get frightened-of heights.
MOLLYWhat will you do when we get to the Acropolis?
FRANKI’ll definitely have a look. I promise.
MOLLYI’ll want to take my foot out of my shoe and feel the soil, feel the rocks, the marble. I’ll want
to feel the ground under me. I want to feel the energy. The mighty Acropolis under me. History. 5000 years. Fulfilling a lifetime dream.
MOLLYYou’re not hearing, Mr insightful flash!
Two more wonderful days in Paris, and then on to Rome.
FRANKThe ruins of Roma. Two coins in the fountain.
MOLLY(PAUSE) What’s the most important thing in life Frank?
you get the more you want?
FRANKJoke love. Ancient ruins? History?
FRANKWell, yes...of course, and...
MOLLYAnd not your job.
MOLLYSame thing. I love the flowers.
FRANKAm I really an arsehole?
SCENE 9. ROME. SIDEWALK RESTAURANT. FRANK AND MOLLY ARE HAVING COFFEE AFTER AN EVENING MEAL. AN EMPTY BOTTLE OF RED WINE. A SONG IN THE BACKGROUND “ARRIVEDERCI ROMA.”
THEY SIT IN PEACE. THE WAITER BRINGS A BOTTLE OF WATER AND TWO GLASSES.
WAITER(TO MOLLY) Scusa bella Principessa.
FRANKYeah, well done mate. Grazie.
Italiano. (FRANK NODS. WAITER ASSUMES FRANK SPEAKS ITALIAN AND LAUNCHES INTO ITALIAN DIATRIBE)
FRANK(FRANK LAUGHS IN AGREEMENT) Yes. Oui.Grazie. (THE WAITER REALISES HIS MISTAKE-EXITS. MOLLY WATCHES HIM DEPART)
Grazie artsy. Feel like Paul Hogan.
FRANKZealous little bugger. Did we ask for the water?
MOLLYJust accept it darling.
FRANKDo they charge?
MOLLYDoes it matter?
MOLLYHow’s your foot?
FRANKThe band aid rubs against the back of my shoe.
MOLLYYou didn’t have to walk
in bare feet.
FRANKA lost hankering for action darling.
MOLLYA lost cause?
FRANKI just have to be more receptive. Feel the spirits. Locate my third eye. That Colosseum must have it’s
share of ghosts.
FRANKFeels a bit weird doesn’t it, sitting on the footpath.
MOLLYThey do it in Melbourne.
FRANKRather be inside eating roast
MOLLYElizabeth’s cooking lamb tonight.
FRANKThat’ll frighten the daylights out of the oven.
MOLLYThis is romantic.
FRANKIt is darling. We’d better
buy some savlon for my foot.
MOLLYYou didn’t bring any?
FRANKCan’t find it.
MOLLYThis is so nice. Roma.
FRANKI’m quite looking forward to sprawling on a Greko Island. Ti Kaneis.
MOLLYI told you.
FRANKWhat did you tell me darling?
spiritual. You haven’t had a panic attack for days. No hernia problems. No prostate problems. Aren’t you glad you came?
FRANKEstatic darling. Apart from my foot.
MOLLYThis holiday will make you ten years
FRANKI’ll bet you a dollar they charge for the water.
FRANKJust teasing darling.
SCENE 10. ROME AIRPORT.
DUTY FREE AREA. PETER & MOLLY, WITH CAMERA.
PETERScusa. Mi puo aiutare.
MOLLYSorry. I don’t understand.
MOLLYIs it so obvious?
PETERLong way. (MOLLY SMILES) Actually, I wonder if you would be kind enough to assist me. I’m wanting a decent brand of perfume and I’m afraid I’m
not very good at it.
MOLLYWho’s it for?
PETERReally. I always bring home a present for mother. One of life’s little duties.
PETERI’ll take that as a compliment.
MOLLYAn elderly lady or a modern lady?
MOLLYI love Georgio,
but, I’d say your mother would prefer L’ Air Du Temps.
PETERAre you travelling on an organised tour?
MOLLYWith my husband. We’re going to Athens and Mykonos.
MOLLYOur first overseas trip.
PETERHow romantic. (MOLLY LAUGHS) Mykonos is the most beautiful island. There’s a wonderful little restaurant not far from the harbour. Little Venice. You must try it.
MOLLYI might just do that.
PETERI’m Peter. Perhaps we could meet there for lunch one day?
MOLLYMother wouldn’t object?
PETER(LAUGHS) Mother would be thrilled.
SMILES. LIGHTS UP ON FRANK. WAITING AREA. NO BAGGAGE. FRANK IS SINGING.
FRANKArri-eee vederci Roma.....goodbye.....dah dah, dah dum-
PETER(ENTERS. SITS. LOOKS)... Enjoy Rome did we?
FRANKMmm? Oh g’day mate. Yes. Off to Athens now, If the plane ever decides to arrive. 40 minutes late. Why don’t they speak English over these loudspeakers.
PETERThey don’t speak Italian at the English
FRANKIs that right?
PETERThe plane has arrived. It’s a matter of clearance. Rome is a busy airport.
FRANKIt’s not a very big plane.
FRANKSeasoned traveller are you?
PETERNot as such, no. I take myself off once every year. Three or four weeks.
Unwind. Escape the madness of London.
FRANK(LAUGHS) Good old London.
What do you do for a living?
PETEROh. Psychologist. Been at it 12 years. Been travelling 12 years. Seen it all
really. Rome is my favourite. It’s unique. The Eternal City, with a history stretching back 2700 years.
FRANKNot married then?
PETER(SMILES) Why do you ask?
FRANKYou’d do well in the marriage business. Psychology and all
PETERGenerally it’s the wives I see.
FRANKMen don’t need psychologists.
PETERMen don’t want psychologists.
FRANKRoses do the trick. Roses, chocolates,
money... and subservience. Husbands are too far gone. A mass of confusion.
PETERWhat business are you in?
FRANKFinance. Senior Financial Advisor for the Government. Can’t say much more. Very top secret.
My wife and I are constant travellers. Off to Athens for a break. The mighty Acropolis. Plato. Socrates. You?
PETERI hope to get there one
FRANKI’ll be back there in 20 days.....8 hours, 17 minutes.
PETERWhat part of Australia?
FRANKMelbourne mate. World’s most liveable city. Garden State. The Yarra River. Fairy
Penguins. Hump back whales. TAB’s. Football. Cricket. Cold beer. What’s so special about Rome?
PETERHistory, the ancient city. The educational centre, cultural, historic ruins,
FRANKI’m not big on monuments.
PETERIt all started here.
FRANKCrowded though, don’t you think? Scooter bikes, tourists. 6 million churches. Rampant materialism. Everybody striving to strut.
PETERThat’s the adrenelin, atmosphere surely.
FRANKI love Paris. Take that Gustave Effel. Now there was an engineer extraordinaire. 1792 steps. 312 metres. That is one tall flagpole.
PETERA breathtaking view-
FRANKParis at your feet. And charming little puppies with bursting bladders. And beautiful women. My wife loves a good sunset. Me? I love the female bottom.
PETERI saw one not 10 minutes
FRANK I haven’t seen anyone come near those French women. I did like the Colosseum. I took my shoes off and felt the vibrations of history underneath me. Walked with the Christians. Until a spiritual lion bit my foot.
FRANKYou wouldn’t have a spare cigarette on you?
PETERNo... well... nature calls.
FRANKWe all have to “pee” don’t
PETERDon’t want to queue up when we get on board. It’s almost an operation on a 777-as you would know. (PETER BEGINS TO EXIT)
FRANK(HOLDING HIM UP) Mind you, Ayers Rock is higher than the Eiffel
Tower. 1100 feet. Well before those Romans.
PETER(PETER EXITING-STOPS) Isn’t it called Uluru? (EXITS)
FRANK(OUT OF EARSHOT) Pommies.
MOLLY ENTERS. FRANK MUCH MORE RECEPTIVE NOW.
FRANKHi darling. Did anything take your fancy?
MOLLYEverything is so expensive.
FRANKForget the money pet.
MOLLY Sorry I took so long.
was charming a fellow traveller with my worldly knowledge. We’re going to have to do something about all our luggage. I’ll be down to seven stone time we get home.
MOLLYIsn’t it worth it - Trevi Fountain, Spanish Steps,
the Sistene Chapel.
FRANKMagic. Captured for eternity on your magic little camera.
MOLLYWe saw The Pope Frank.
FRANK. Purported to be The Pope. Could have been the Dalai Lama. The Colosseum
was good. Crown Casino in 20 years.
MOLLYDinner last night with that sexy waiter.
FRANKHe was after you love.
MOLLYHe had a lovely bottom.
FRANKJesus brought love into the
MOLLYDid he now.
FRANKThereby outlawing sex orgies.
PETER(ENTERS) Hello again, Molly.
MOLLYPeter. Did you buy the perfume?
Air Du Temps.
MOLLYYou’ll be popular. Frank, this is Peter. We met in the Duty Free.
PETERFrank. Must be off. Hope we meet again Molly.
MOLLYThat would be lovely Peter. Little Venice.
PETERYou can’t miss it.
MOLLYI’ll look out for you. (PETER EXITS)
FRANKDoesn’t fancy women.
he does. Not a very big plane Frank.
FRANKThat’s a 777. They’ll take ages to board. What’s Little Venice?
MOLLYPeter’s favourite spot on Mykonos.
FRANKDon’t you find
it hard? Coming to terms with the idea of having a holiday and being constantly exhausted. (STARTS TO EXIT) I’d better have a
pee love. It’s an operation on a 777.
SCENE 11. ATHENS, GREECE. THE PLAKA DISTRICT. A MULTITUDE OF SMALL SHOPS ALONG A NARROW STREET. HUSTLE AND BUSTLE AMID TOURISTS AND SHOPKEEPERS. MOLLY CARRIES HER CAMERA. THEY STOP OUTSIDE A CLOTHING
SHOP. MOLLY TAKES A PHOTO OF FRANK & THE SHOPKEEPER..
SHOPK.You come inside sir. I have just the shirt for you. Beautiful silk. I sell for a very special
FRANKIs that right? Silk, eh?
SHOPK.Is right. Come, come. You come too lovely lady. Lovely silk. Extra special price for lovely lady. (THEY GO IN.)
MOLLYIt’s all mens gear, isn’t
SHOPK.No, no. Mens. Womens. Unisex. It’s no problem. We have everything. You from England, yes.
FRANKAustralia mate. Fair go. Frank’s the name.
SHOPK.Ahh. Australia. Beautiful.
I am Dhanos.
FRANKNearly lost us there Dhanos.
SHOPK.Many Greeks live in Australia, yes Frank?
FRANKThat’s right Dahanos. Great country. We love the Greek people. Greek food
we love? Greek salads, Greek coffee, Greek hats, Greek ash trays.
SHOPK.I have little cousin who lives in Australia. Yhanos. You know Yhanos?
(THE SHOPKEEPER MEASURES YHANOS’S HEIGHT WITH HIS HAND)
lives next door to me.
SHOPK.Ha ha. You make the joke, no? You like Athens Frank?
MOLLYWe love Athens.
SHOPK.World’s most liveable city. I give you extra special price. See madam this shirt?
Beautiful texture. Feel this. Is good yes? You try on. Here Frank, Mr Australian mate. This is beautiful. I do special deal on this one. Which part of Australia you from?Sydney, Melvourne? (PRONOUNCED MEL-VOURNE-EH)
Worlds most liv-
SHOPK.I hear good things about Melvourne. I have second cousin went to Melvourne, 10, 15 years ago. Thanos. He still there. He live next door Frank? (THEY LAUGH) Must be good eh? Very good
shirt madam. Definitely for you.
MOLLYIt’s not really me.
SHOPK.You try this one. This one is for you.
MOLLYNo, I don’t think so. Thanks anyway.
THE SHIRT) What do you think Moll?
MOLLYYes. Looks nice if you like it. It’s silk Frank.
FRANKFeels good love.
MOLLYWhere would you wear it?
FRANKDinner, the footy,
anywhere. How much?
SHOPK.Normal price 80 Euros. For Australian mate, just 40.
FRANK$70 bucks! Not that cheap is it?
SHOPK.What is cheap? You want cheap? It falls to pieces in no time. A
man like you deserves the best. Not Asian silk, they no feed the silkworms, they generic engineer! This good silk. We feed souvlaki. Last forever. You twist my arm Frank. 35 Euros for my Australian friend. Very best low price.
pay 30. That’s my bottom line Dhanos.
SHOPK.Ha, ha. You drive the hard bargain. I tell you. You buy two, I sell for
55 Euros. I can’t do any better than that.
FRANKYeah? 45 bucks each. What do you
MOLLYDo you like them?
FRANKYeah, I do. Feel the silk.
MOLLYI already have.
FRANKNever worn silk. Too pricey. You think I need them?
MOLLYIf you like them love. Shirts don’t go to waste.
FRANKThat’s right. Can’t waste good silk. This silk lasts forever. Bugger it. Live it up. We’re on holiday. Look good in Bangkok. Hang the bloody expense
eh? What do you think?
SHOPK.50. Final offer. I sell at a loss.
FRANKNow that is good. $85 bucks for two. You’ve got me mate. 50.
Too good to refuse. I’ll
take two. You take Visa?
SHOPK.Visa is good. How long you stay here?
FRANKTomorrow we go to Mike-onos-
SHOPK ) Mykonos!
FRANK12 days. Catch
the big ferry. Back here overnight, then off home via stopover Bangkok.
SHOPK.You will love Mykonos. Lovely scarf for lovely madam. 10 Euros. Very cheap.
MOLLYNo thank you. It is lovely though.
problem. Have lovely holiday. You come back I have many more beautiful clothes. Very special Australian price.
FRANK(OUTSIDE THE SHOP) What do you think?
MOLLYI don’t know that you need two shirts love. You’re not exactly a social butterfly. Especially silk.
FRANKYou’re taking the piss!
FRANKI got them both for nearly the same price he offered for one. Until I beat
him down. What’s wrong with silk?
MOLLYJust doesn’t seem you, that’s all.
FRANKWhy didn’t you say something?
MOLLYThey’re fine darling. I like them.
MOLLYLove. I adore them.
FRANKWhat’s me anyway. I’m a Philistine.
sense of humour?
FRANK Just never worn silk. Bloody cheap for silk.
FRANKYou’re doing it again. They’re bloody silk love.
MOLLYI know they’re
bloody silk darling. There’s all kinds of silk. All at
different prices. I bought a dress years ago. Had ART silk on the label. I thought it was very posh until someone pointed out art stood for artificial.
FRANKThese haven’t got a label.
FRANKI thought I got a bargain?
MOLLYI’m sure you did. It’s just that you always say a bargain’s not a bargain unless you
FRANKI’ll take them back.
MOLLYThey’re fine. Very sexy. The blue will look great. I don’t know where you expect to wear the pink though.
FRANKShit. Let’s try one of those souvlaki things, I’m starving.
MOLLYLet’s go back to that shoe shop first darling. I need new shoes-the red ones.
FRANKThey were 75 Euros love.
MOLLYThey’re double that back home darling.
FRANKYou’ve got a dozen pairs already. You may well desire new shoes but you definitely don’t need them.
MOLLYIf it’s allright for you to buy two puncy looking silk shirts-
MOLLYWear one when we get back to our hotel. Sexy rose’.
FRANK75 Euros. That’s
over $130. Maybe more the way the dollar’s falling. Bloody crooks. I’ll take them back.
MOLLYYou will do nothing of the sort. He wouldn’t take them anyway. He saw you coming, the old fox..
FRANKI thought I was the old fox?
MOLLYForget it. We’re on holiday.
FRANKLet’s go get a souvlaki and a beer.
MOLLYThen to the shoe shop, and back to our 3 star for a
FRANKHow much would these shirts cost back home?
MOLLYAt South Melbourne market, about $20.
FRANKTell me you jest?
MOLLYWear the pink shirt.
MOLLYI’ll wear my sexy red high heels?
FRANKI might have a headache.
MOLLYTake a blue pill.
wonder husbands die before their wives. Have you noticed how everyone smokes here?
FRANKBob might like a silk shirt as
his present, do you think?
MOLLYBob’s a motor mechanic love.
FRANKIt’s the thought that counts.
SCENE 12. MYKONOS.
MYKONOS ISLAND. THE CYCLADES. GREECE. EARLY MORNING. FRANK AND MOLLY SIT ON THEIR BALCONY OVERLOOKING THE WATER. FRANK IS READING THE SUNDAY TIMES NEWSPAPER, DRESSED IN SHORTS, SUNCAP, GREEK SINGLET. MOLLY HAS ON A LIGHT SARONG. SHE IS STANDING-TAKING
A PHOTO. GEORGIO PERFUME ON THE TABLE.
FRANKThis is the go love. Balcony overlooking the Aegean, and only half the price of a 3 star. Heaven on a stick. (PAUSE) What will we do today?
MOLLY (SITS) I don’t
FRANKWhat do you want to do?
MOLLYI’m happy to do whatever you want to do.
FRANKYou don’t want to do anything in particular?
We’re on holiday.
FRANKYou feel all right?
MOLLYI feel good.
MOLLYI’m happy if you’re happy.
happy... if you’re happy... Want to ring the kids?
FRANKNah. We’re living for the present.
FRANKThree days, now.
FRANKThey’ll be on to missing persons.
FRANKYou were in town a while yesterday.
MOLLYI checked out Little Venice.
you bump into Peter?
MOLLYGot some perfume.
FRANK(PAUSE) What’s so funny about this joke?
FRANK(NEWSPAPER) The chicken and the egg, lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning, and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no one in particular, “Well,
I guess we answered that question” (MOLLY LAUGHS) What?
MOLLYIt’s that age old question.
FRANKWhy did the chicken cross the road?
MOLLYWhat came first, the chicken or the egg.
MOLLYWhat came first. The chicken is smoking a cigarette. They’ve just had sex.
What came first.
FRANK(PAUSE) We could go to the beach.
MOLLYDo you want to go to the
FRANKWe could I suppose. If you want. I mean we’re here aren’t we? Perhaps after breakfast. Journey down. What would it be, 200 metres? What about after lunch? Do we stay here or go to another beach?
MOLLYHave you got something in mind?
FRANKI thought you might fancy a day trip or something.
MOLLYThat sounds nice. Where to?
FRANKUp to you Princess. Paros. Naxos. Santorini looks nice. Catch
the fast ferry. Stay overnight. Bring your red shoes.
MOLLYI’ve read all about Santorini. There’s a steep bus ride up to the village from the port darling. You might not like that. Remember the Eiffel Tower. 900 steps.
FRANKIt’s that high?
MOLLYAccording to Lonely Planet.
FRANKGet claustrophobia, and vertigo. I was really worried in Paris.
MOLLYYou stayed down the bottom.
FRANKIt was that movie. Dirk Bogarde.
FRANK“So Long at the Fair”. They were in Paris. His wife disappeared. I got scared, what with our big argument.
FRANKI’m not fussed though.
MOLLYI’ll do whatever you want to do.
FRANKI love you.
MOLLYI know darling.
FRANKWe could go around
to Elias Beach again. Take some more pictures.
FRANKThey had indoor plumbing on Crete 2500 years ago. Probably did better than they’ve got in Athens right now.
be hard darling.
FRANKThose three young ladies on the beach yesterday-
MOLLYThey were gorgeous.
FRANKLayed out their towels. Took off their clothes. And sunbaked. Naked.
Right in front of
MOLLYAnd the men.
FRANKA magnificent procession. (PAUSE) You think they see us?
FRANKThat’s some sort of bonus isn’t it?
MOLLYIf you say so.
FRANKDo you ever wish to be young again?
FRANKPuts off dying.
MOLLYWe’ve always been young.
FRANKBeen a fantastic
MOLLYNot finished yet.
FRANKNo. So, what do you think, Elias?
MOLLYIt takes up the whole day. And there’s not a lot there apart from the beach.
Would you be all
right with it this time? Don’t forget most of them are in the nuddy.
FRANKHave to be in the mood for all those blokes in the nuddy. Makes a man feel inferior. Big dongers staring down at you.
think he meant anything by it.
FRANKFancy asking the time with his donger on show. Nearly gave you a black eye.
MOLLYYou could hold your own love.
FRANKYeah? Ahh. No thank you very much.
Showoffs. I suppose one beach is
the same as another, isn’t it? We could stay here all day. Please ourselves.
MOLLYIf that’s what you want.
FRANKCheck out these teeth. See? You know that stain there-20
years. No dentist could shift it. Completely gone. See? Must be the salt water. Magic.
MOLLYCheck out these boobs.
MOLLY I’m sure they’re bigger.
Must be the salt water.
FRANKIt’s magic. What about it then? Santorini?
MOLLYYou might have one of your panic attacks love.
FRANKI’ll be fine.
have to catch the 9 o'clock ferry.
FRANKHardly over breakfast.
MOLLYOr catch the later one and come back late tomorrow night.
FRANKNot keen on the ferries late at night. Strange country. Foreign.
many tourists on Santorini. Bloody backpackers. Like ants.
MOLLYBackpackers are nice...so what shall we do?
FRANKWhatever makes you happy love.
MOLLYWe could stay here all day.
FRANKIf that’s what you want.... what’s for breakfast?
MOLLYWhat would you like?
FRANKYou sit there, take it easy. I’ll get it.
MOLLYDid they find his wife?
FRANKDirk Bogarde’s? (MOLLY NODS) They always do. What’ll it be?
FRANKOf course. Oysters. And you darling. (MOLLY LAUGHS) Only if you’re up to it.
SCENE 13. BANGKOK. THAILAND. A HOTEL ROOM AT THE FIVE STAR AMARI AIRPORT HOTEL. FRANK AND MOLLY
ENTER INTO LUXURY, MINUS THEIR LUGGAGE. FRANK WEARS HIS ROSE’ SILK SHIRT. THEY ENTER.
FRANKLeaving all our luggage with them Moll. They could plant something and we end up in jail for life.
singles. We’ll have to christen them.
FRANKMy back’s gone love.
FRANKWhere’s the dencorub?
(KNOCK AT THE DOOR. THE PORTER ENTERS WITH THREE SUITCASES)
G’day. (AS HE EXITS) Lovely day. (NO RESPONSE)
MOLLYGot the tip ready?
MOLLYIt’s 5 star Frank.
MOLLYAt least five
FRANKThen they never leave us alone.
MOLLYYou’re doing it again!
FRANK(PORTER RE-ENTERS-MORE LUGGAGE-AS HE EXITS) Nice hat. (NO RESPONSE)
him twenty baht.
MOLLYHow much is that?
MOLLYGive him 100 baht.
FRANKHe’ll think I’m James Packer.
(MOLLY EXPLORES THE LUXURY. PORTER RE-ENTERS WITH MORE LUGGAGE. FRANK PLAYS THE RICH TOURIST.) You look familiar. You don’t happen to have
a cousin in Athens who sells silk shirts? Fancy buying a nice Rose’ one? (PORTER NO UNDERSTAND. PORTER BOWS, WAITS FOR TIP-FRANK SUPPLIES)
PORTER(AS HE DEPARTS, BOWS) Lovely pink shirt.
MOLLY(FRANK’S NEW CARRY BAG.) What’s this?
FRANKSomething to carry all our goodies in.
FRANKSouvenirs. Soaps, ash trays, shampoos, shower caps,
We’ll fill up the bag here. Little presents. Don’t touch any of the stuff in the fridge. They charge. Anything you don’t use in the bathroom we’ll take home. What about the towels?
FRANKThey expect it. Like tipping. I’m going to check these bags for drugs. Don’t fancy rice and water for 20 years.
MOLLYWhere do you get these ideas?
Hilton, Midnight Express” Didn’t you see the guards at the airport with machine guns.
MOLLYIt was the same at Rome airport. And Paris. Athens.
FRANKIf smoking’s a health hazard the whole of
the Greek Army will drop dead of lung cancer. They were all outside leaning on a tank smoking.
MOLLYI took your picture in front of that tank. (STOPS) Frank, where’s my camera?
from touching the bloody thing.
MOLLYI think we’ve lost it.
FRANKI haven’t lost it.
MOLLYI had it at Athens Airport. I must have put it down when I was arguing for your silly aisle seat.
MOLLYIt’s your fault.
FRANKI could ring the airport.
MOLLYIt’s got all our Mykonos photos in it.
FRANKWe can claim it on insurance.
MOLLYThanks to you it’s gone now.
FRANKWhy is it my fault?
MOLLYI’m going to telephone the kids.
FRANKWe’re nearly home.
MOLLY(SNAPS) We haven’t called in 4 days.
FRANK Bob hasn’t called us once.
MOLLYI’ve been looking forward to 5 star for weeks.
you enjoy the past 6 weeks?
MOLLYThat’s not the point. This is our last treat. It’s bad enough you’ve lost the camera. Don’t be so fucking tight.
FRANKKeep yourself nice love.
MOLLYFuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
FRANKI am not tight, I’m prudent. I just don’t feel like being stung that’s all.
don’t care about the cost. Just enjoy the luxury and forget about money.
FRANKDo you think we could souvenir the dressing gown?
MOLLYI’m warning you Frank!
MOLLYLeave the bloody cases alone. Go and have a swim.
MOLLYI put up with you whinging in the plane because I knew we’d have three days of luxury here. Fucking aisle
seat? It cost me my camera.
FRANKI don’t like you swearing. You get testy?
MOLLYI am not testy.
MOLLYI simply want to enjoy it.
FRANKYou’re talking bullshit.
MOLLYThat’s it! I’ve had enough. I’m going home. (SHE BEGINS TO STORM OUT)
FRANKYou’re a nut case love. Settle. We’ll sort it.
MOLLYI’m going home. Book me a ticket to fly out this afternoon. I’ve had enough. You’re an arsehole Frank. You were an arsehole the day you were born, and you’re still an arsehole. I can’t take it any longer.
MOLLYYou, you prick. You’re always right aren’t you? You never apologise and
you’re always right. I’m sick of it, and I’m sick of you, you
arsehole. I don’tknow why you came on this holiday, I really don’t. You’re not enjoying it. You refuse to enjoy it. You insist on being an arsehole. In Paris you wouldn’t even pay to have a pee.
feel like a pee.
MOLLYBook me a ticket.
FRANKI came to please you.
MOLLYYou bastard. Don’t you dare try that on me. You suggested this holiday, “once in a lifetime”, you
FRANKFor you love. (A BANGING ON THE WALL) Our second honeymoon.
MOLLYRosebud? We didn’t have a first honeymoon. (RESPONDING TO THE NEXT ROOM TENANT) Fuck off!
People will hear you.
MOLLYIf you wanted to please me you would have booked us 4 star all the way, instead of some of those crummy hotels. I hate crummy hotels. Now at last I get a 5 star and you start again. Book me a ticket home. (MOLLY
STORMS OUT) Arsehole!
FRANK(MORE BANGING-CALLS) Sorry. (SITS/CONTEMPLATES) Shit. Have to pay for another flight. Stupid camera. Should have used that internet cafe. Ooh, my bloody back. (MOLLY STORMS BACK IN.)
going to take a 5 star bath. ( GATHERING UP HER BATH REQUISITES.)
FRANKI’m sorry love.
MOLLYYou’re just saying that to save the airfare.
FRANKCooped up in that plane. Deep vain thrombosis.
MOLLYYou’re an arsehole.
FRANKI wasn’t an arsehole on Mykonos.
MOLLYI just want to enjoy a bit of luxury. Is that too much to ask?
FRANKI’m a Philistine darling.
Come on, sit down. (SHE SITS) Let’s have a bath together. Then we’ll go out and have a nice Thai meal.
MOLLYYou don’t eat Thai food.
FRANKI adore Thai food. Coriander and coconut. Yummy.
MOLLY(FRANK KISSES HER) Liar. What about your back, arsehole.
FRANKI’m really fit darling. No need for a pill. I adore you.(TELEPHONE RINGS)
MOLLYShit. You answer it.
Lizzy! Hi? Where are you ringing from? Our place. Excellent. (MOLLY WANTS THE PHONE) Here darling. I’ll put Mum on. Talk as long as you like. (HANDS PHONE TO MOLLY)
MOLLYHi darling, we’re in Bangkok. Oh it’s wonderful.
King size beds, fabulous swimming pool.You’re father lost my camera. No, we’re not fighting. Took 9 hours from Athens. Father wore his silk shirt. Yes. The Rose’ one. He’ll have to stay away from Commercial Road, he’ll be picked
up. I bought 4 pairs of shoes in Athens. How’s Sarah? No. Sarah’s walking Frank. We’ll have to take a picture of her. Oh, no! I haven’t got a camera! Your father lost it....Allright darling. See you in three days. Bye. (HANGS
FRANKI thought you only bought 2 pair of shoes?
MOLLYOne each for Sarah and Thomas.
MOLLYLet’s try room service. Asparagus tips
and cheese platter?
FRANKWhat about that bath?
MOLLYFirst room service, then the bath, have a sleep (SEX), then dinner. We’ll shop tomorrow. I’ll buy you another silk shirt.
MOLLYI’m a grandmother.
FRANKPierre of Paris thought so.
MOLLYSexy tight bum.
FRANKWhat’s with these tight bums?
MOLLYA woman always
pines for what she’s never had.
FRANKIf I hadn’t got married, and hired an expensive call girl once a week...
MOLLYShut up. I’ll buy you a linen shirt.
the door. Oops, I forgot. No need.
BLACKOUT-AEROPLANE-STEWARD SPRAYING DISINFECTANT. BACKDROP MAP-BANGKOK TO MELBOURNE.
SCENE 14. THE LOUNGE ROOM. SUBURBAN AUSTRALIA. FRANK AND MOLLY HAVE JUST ARRIVED HOME. LUGGAGE ALL AROUND. FRANK IS ON THE TELEPHONE.
FRANKOh magic darling,
one long dream. We felt the history with our feet. Architecture, people and ghosts, according to your mother. She’s got a third eye. Talk later. Bye. (HANGS UP) Did you want to talk?
MOLLY(PREOCCUPIED) I’ll see
FRANKA phone call for 20 cents...
MOLLYI was thinking about my camera. Such a shame.
FRANK PULLS OUT A NEW CAMERA FROM HIS GOODIES BAG.
FRANKWe sent half the
photos home. It’s only Mykonos. Here. While you were buying your Brandy.
MOLLY(MOLLY KISSES FRANK) What about the old one?
FRANKWe’re insured. No more expense concerns, no more stress, we’ll
Use up our frequent flyer points.
FRANKI bought six roles of film.
MOLLYWhat brought all this on?
FRANKPierre, kissing your hand, and puncy Peter
in Rome. Made me quite randy.
MOLLYYou didn’t say so.
FRANKYou’re a very attractive woman.
MOLLYWere you jealous?
FRANKDoesn’t stop you flirting.
FRANKIt turns me on.
MOLLYHow do you feel now?
FRANKIt turns me on.
FRANKTrue.. Holidays must improve in retrospect. “He travels safe, and not unpleasantly, who is guarded by poverty and guided by love.”
don’t mind the odd flash.
MOLLYThe house looks a bit tired after the 5 star.
FRANKStill good to be home.
MOLLYI feel like getting on a plane and just flying away.
you do if I did?
FRANKHey. Come on.
MOLLYI feel like I want to see lots and lots more.
FRANKIt’s the travel bug love.
MOLLYYou haven’t got it.
FRANK(LAUGHS) I saw a sex shop in Bangkok...
FRANKWell, strange country and all that. I’d have to be stiff to be spotted.
MOLLYDo you want to rephrase that?
FRANKThey had these things called sex aids.
MOLLYYou didn’t buy any?
FRANKCustoms scared me off.
MOLLYWe don’t need sex aids.
FRANKThey sell them
on the internet.
MOLLYYou’re a deviant.
FRANKThey say sexual desire’s the first thing to go with old age.
MOLLYWhere does that leave me?
next? Love. Solitude. Death?
MOLLYDid you know that Shelley was drowned when he was 30?
MOLLYA very special poet. And you’re a dirty old man.
MOLLYYou think we need titillation?
FRANKCan’t hurt to try.
MOLLYYou’d have to hide them.
FRANKSeems a pity to be left with erotic dreams.
MOLLYWhat if something happened to us and the kids found them?
FRANKWe’d be six foot under!
FRANKTime goes so fast, doesn’t it? All those years. Hard to
believe. You try to
hang on, what’s left...treasure it, you know, but it zips by. 40, 50, 60..in a
flash. The way I see it if anything happened to you, without you...it would all stand still. Time...you know?
not special Frank.
FRANKYou are. (PAUSE) Are the kids bringing the dog?
FRANKWhat’s for tea?
FRANKI had a crazy
thought for lamb chops and mashed potatoes, or a roast.
We’ve got enough hand soap for the next 3 years.
MOLLYShower caps, sewing kits, conditioners...
FRANKLet’s have a matinee?
FRANKI wish. My back love.
MOLLY(SIGHS) I have to go shopping.
FRANKWe could eat out.
MOLLYThe kids would be disappointed.
open the champers now and retire to the bedroom.
MOLLYI don’t know.
FRANKStop that. You’re gorgeous. And very sexy.
MOLLY(A SMILE) Lock the security door?
MOLLYWhat about the kids?
FRANKThat’s their problem.
AUTHORS NOTE: Seven weeks overseas; Dublin, Galway, London, Oxford, Paris, Nice, Florence, Rome, Athens, Mykonos, Ios, and Bangkok. Nothing is all that different - cultures, clothing, degrees of friendship,
architecture, efficiency levels; much the same. The privileged strutting, the majority striving to do likewise, most without a ghost of a chance. Make a dollar, spend a dollar. And yet, as always, love shines through. You do your best wherever you are and
try to maintain your focus (your will?). We haven’t got too much time on our hands so make it worth something. Don’t try to be right, try to be honest, but don’t overdo it? Appreciate the beauty of love. We all come from the same place, end
up in the same place and want the same thing-to be loved.
OVER THERE (or maybe “Love and Marriage”?)
their first overseas holiday together
and Molly wants a room with a view.
Frank wants a clean two-star with telly.
Can the marriage survive seven weeks of sightseeing,
bickering, and bargain-hunting for the kids back home?
and sit back for a guided tour
through the history and landscape of a
place that’s a lot closer to home than you think.
to live long; but no-one would be old” [Swift]
Socrates was told that some man had not been improved by travel. “I am sure he was not” he said, “He went with himself!”