LUCKY LAST

[Originally titled "No Worries" 1970's La Mama. Re-titled 1990's. posted with (faint) hope, improvement during the  pandemic isolation?] 

 

LUCKY LAST”BY CLIFF ELLEN.                                                                              

SCENE 1.A CHEAP RESTAURANT. FRIDAY. 8PM.                                                                                                                                                   

ROBERT So there you go Dave. On the off chance you’re losing wlast race you’ll get it all back on this one. I’ll stake my reputation on it. It’s the bet of the day. Even if something goes amiss it’s certain to run a place. Not that I think it could lose mind- 

DAVIDPerish the thought.

ROBERT(IGNORING) And you’ll get 6/1-at worst. Maybe 10/1 if you catch the bookies with their pants down when the betting opens.

CAROLE-Catch who?

DAVID-The bookies Carole.

ROBERT-She’s being sarcastic.  

DAVID-That’s what you said last week.

ROBERT-Come on Dave. You read the Stewards Report. The bloody thing was   

knocked from pillar to post and still ran fourth.

DAVID-I lost $10.

ROBERT-I’ll give you the bloody $10.   I lost a hundred on the mongrel.

CAROLE        You lost 100 dollars?

ROBERT        It’s an investment darling.

CAROLE-A hundred dollars Rob?

ROBERT        That’s racing love. Just settle.

CAROLE        Our money.

ROBERT        I’ll get it back.

DAVID-Famous last words.

CAROLE        You bastard!

DAVID-He always was.

CAROLE-Shut up David.

ROBERT=Be told Dave.

CAROLE        You’re hopeless.

ROBERT        It’s the only bet I had love. Bloody thing was a certainty.

DAVID            I’d be happier if it had a decent jockey up.

ROBERT        Who’s the best judge of a jockey Dave, you or Gai Waterhouse? You put  Damien Oliver on board and you halve your price.

CAROLE-I’ll halve you when we get home.

DAVID-Serves you right. 

RICHARD(ENTERS) Greetings Comrades.

ROBERT-Where have you been?                                                                                                                                                 CAROLE-Our money Rob.

ROBERTNot now love.

RICHARD-Hello gorgeous. You look fan-tastic. Lets you and I shuffle off to a Club.

CAROLE        Hello Richard. 

RICHARD      What are we doing in this dump?

CAROLE        I’ll murder him when we get home. 

RICHARD      What happened to the Stokehouse?

CAROLE        Ask Kerry Packer.

ROBERT        Booked out.

DAVID-So Rob says.

RICHARD-You said you booked!

CAROLE-He forgot.

ROBERT        They couldn’t find my booking.

RICHARD-You didn’t book.

ROBERT-Where have you been?

RICHARD-Didn’t make it back to work. Davo-your shout.

DAVID-I just shouted.

RICHARD-I’ll have a pot.

DAVID-There’s the bar.

ROBERT-I tried to ring you.

RICHARD-Having a late lunch with the boss. Bored the pants off me talking

tax rulings all afternoon.

DAVID           So that’s what happens to our taxes?

RICHARD     You’re a small business man Dave. You don’t pay taxes.

DAVID-Don’t ever leave Rick. 

RICHARD-You don’t leave any more Davo. You wait till the bastards sack you. Or win lotto.

ROBERT-I wish, mate. Make a fortune if I had the capital.

RICHARD-Are you deaf Davo. One pot.

CAROLE-Where’s Sue?                                                                                                                                                RICHARD-Waiting outside the Stokehouse. 

DAVID-Shouldn’t you call her?

RICHARD-She knows my number.

ROBERT-Go on. Get a beer.

RICHARD     (TO DAVID) Tight bastard. What is this place? Greasy Garry’s?

CAROLE-Since when is $100 on a horse an investment?

ROBERT       Give it a rest Caz.

CAROLE       Fuck you!

RICHARD-I love the way women swear.

CAROLE-And you.

RICHARD-Promise.

CAROLE-Piss off.

RICHARD-Been losing again mate?

ROBERT-You have to speculate to accumulate. 

RICHARD     If you’re lucky. 

CAROLE       With our money.

RICHARD-Give it to him Carole.

CAROLE-You be quiet.

RICHARD-Give it to me then.

DAVID           Have you and Sue been fighting?

RICHARD-She wants me to behave like her father.

DAVID-Meaning?

RICHARD-Do as I bloodywell say. Silly old fart.

ROBERT        Just as well we didn’t go to the Stokehouse.

RICHARD-Don’t blame me because you stuffed up.

DAVID-You’re full.

RICHARD-I brought a new pack of cards Davo. We can adjourn somewhere for

a quick hour or two.

CAROLE       Not at our house.

RICHARD-Carole?

CAROLE-No thank you Richard.

RICHARD-We could play here? They’d be glad of the company by the looks.                                                                                                                                                  CAROLE       You do and I’m off home.

RICHARD-Please Carole?

DAVID           You can’t play here.

RICHARD      You can’t play anywhere. Davo thinks a flush beats a full hand. (LAUGHS Bloody retard.

DAVID           You’re too lucky. 

RICHARD-Skill Davo. Nothing to do with luck. Go on, be a devil. You own a bloody

Sports Store you lousy bastard.

DAVID            I lease it! 

RICHARD-Hires out lawnmowers and pockets the cash. I’ll dob you in. Rob?

ROBERT-Order some food and settle.

CAROLE        I wouldn’t Rick.

RICHARD(PUTTING HIS ARM AROUND HER) Whatever you say gorgeous. 

CAROLE       Get away, you perve.

DAVID          Save it for tomorrow. Rob says Tinka Taylor is a certainty.

CAROLE       Put the cards away Rick.

RICHARD-Yes darling. 

CAROLE-Piss off!

RICHARD-You look stunning tonight.

CAROLE-Sorry I can’t return the compliment.

RICHARD-Where’s Vonny?

DAVID-She’s in a shitty. Wants a new fridge. A bigger one.                       

RICHARD-Has she got a lover?

DAVID-Hilarious Rick.

CAROLE-We’ll buy your old one.

ROBERT-Nothing wrong with ours.

CAROLE-It’s 20 years old.

RICHARD     You’re all under the thumb.

CAROLE       I wish they were.

RICHARD-I wouldn’t mind being-

CAROLE-Shut up Richard.                                                                                                                                                     

DAVID-You could do worse than marriage Rick. A nice 4 bedroom out Nunawading way? Decking. A pool. Three kids.

RICHARD-I’m after a single fronted in Yarraville. Concrete backyard. 

ROBERT-You coming tomorrow?

RICHARD-Can’t get it here. Have to follow the old system.

ROBERT       Tinka Taylor in the last. Past the post.

RICHARD     What number is it?

DAVID           Number 3.

RICHARD     Hah. I knew it.

ROBERT        It’s a co-incidence that’s all. I studied the form.

RICHARD-Always number 3. It’s bullshit. You can’t win following numbers.

ROBERT        Nothing to do with numbers.

DAVID-Number 3 didn’t win a race last Saturday.

RICHARD-No!

DAVID-It could be due.

RICHARD-Piss off. Did you say you wanted to know how to win Carole?

CAROLE       No Richard.

RICHARD      I’ll tell you anyway. You pick out any horses that have won at least 25% 

of all their starts- 

CAROLE-Not interested.

RICHARD-And 50% placings . First, second or third gorgeous.

CAROLE        I know what a place is Rick.

 RICHARD-Of course. The TAB. Your humble employers. And, and, you make your bet. If more than one horse is in the race, watch the betting. Follow the money. Oh, and it must have had at least 10 starts.

 DAVID           What if it loses?

RICHARD-Capital Davo. A staking system. You must have a staking system. And you’ve got the capital. Stashed down South with your lawnmowers. 

 DAVID-Prudent Rick.

ROBERT-Don’t say I didn’t tell you.

RICHARD-He’ll buy you a new fridge.

CAROLE-A new carpet.

RICHARD-A new husband.                                                                                                                                                  

ROBERT-The fields are really good tomorrow. I reckon I could win bigtime with an 

ounce of luck.

RICHARD      Skill! The name of the game. 

ROBERT        I’m a little short of capital. Becky’s teeth cost me over $3000.

CAROLE        Us.

ROBERT        That’s what I meant. The computer cost us $900.

CAROLE-I paid for that.

ROBERT-Same thing.

CAROLE       You’ll be proud of her when she’s older.

ROBERT-Proud of her now. She’s gorgeous.

RICHARD-I noticed.

CAROLE-Did you?

ROBERT-Three grand. The bastards see you coming. Should be a tax claim. 

DAVID           Take it up with the Deputy Commissioner.

ROBERT        Up to the Government, not the D.C.

DAVID           You voted for them.

CAROLE        He tried to get me to vote for them.

ROBERT-They made promises. Never again. Politicians and newspapers. Hypocrites! Now it’s the GST. Can’t claim a thing on tax. Even get to you at the races. God knows how much they take out of the Tote pools. 20-25%?  The more they get the more they want. John Wren was a Saint. He only took 10%.

 RICHARD-Saints don’t barrack for Collingwood.

DAVID           How much are you putting on Tinka Taylor without funds?

CAROLE-A hundred dollars, Kerry?

RICHARD-Check out his phone account balance Carole.

ROBERT-I’ve got a few dollars in the phone account.  

CAROLE-How much?

ROBERT-There’s nothing wrong with a punt love. 

DAVID-If you say so Rob. 

ROBERT-I don’t go to the Casino or the Pokies do I?

 CAROLE-Only because you don’t like them.

RICHARD-Spends all his money on shirts.

CAROLE-We bought him that.                                                                                                                                               RICHARD-He looks like Molly Meldrum.

DAVID-Nobody looks like Molly Meldrum.

ROBERT-You know in America the Catholic Church has been running Bingo games

for the past 50 years-almost every parish in America.

DAVID           So?

ROBERT-So God approves. Provided you don’t bet beyond your means.

DAVID-You sound like a politician.

RICHARD-It’s bullshit.

ROBERT-It’s true. I read it somewhere.

CAROLE-The Readers Digest?

ROBERT-It’s a fact. The Church does it, the Government does it. It’s a social event.

I’m conforming with society.

 RICHARD-And doing your balls in the process.

CAROLE-He’s still got them.

RICHARD-Has he.

ROBERT-I read somewhere once, some fellow at the races was carrying on about the evils of the punt, standing underneath a tree. Must have been a country track. Anyway, lightning struck the tree. Killed him.

 CAROLE-Definitely the Readers Digest.

RICHARD-Could have been Womans Day.

DAVID           So?

ROBERT       So. So. So. Do a bit of reading. You could learn something.

RICHARDYes Dave. Read Playboy.

DAVID-Who wrote it?

RICHARD-Funny Dave. Why don’t you come with us tomorrow Carole?

CAROLE        No thank you. One evening in your exhilarating company is quite enough. Besides which, I’d starve.

 RICHARD-They’ve gone upmarket these days. They sell hot pizzas, hot chicken burgers, chips. All gourmet stuff. Then there’s the Tote, the Bookies. the Stand. The horses. Champers. Air conditioning. Atmosphere. Very sexy. You’d love it.                                                                                                            

CAROLE        You think so?

RICHARD       I’ll ask Sue. 

DAVID-If she’s talking to you.

RICHARD-What do you say?

CAROLE-I told Becky we’d go shopping.

RICHARD-Bring Becky. I’ll look after her.

CAROLE-No you will not.

RICHARD-She can study her father at close range.  The psychology of panic attacks. 

CAROLE-I don’t think so.

DAVID-It could be fun Carole.

RICHARD-Don’t let him bluff you.

CAROLE-He’s not bluffing me. 

RICHARD-Go on. Be a devil.

CAROLE-What do you think Rob?

ROBERT-It’s your call darling.

RICHARD   (AS ROBERT) It’s your call darling.

CAROLE        You shut up.

ROBERT-As long as you don’t expect me to stay with you all day love. I mean, racing’s a business. Have to be on the ball.

 RICHARD      Left or right Robbo?

CAROLE       Would you like me to come?

DAVID-He’d love you to come. 

CAROLE-Would Vonny like to come?

DAVID-I could ask her.

ROBERT        It’s up to you love-but would you like it?

CAROLE        I might.

ROBERT        You can’t bring Becky. Kids at the races.

DAVID- A man with principles.

RICHARD And balls. Sorry. Slipped out. 

CAROLE-I’ll think about it.

RICHARD-You do that gorgeous.

ROBERTEh Davo, remember that day at Moonee Valley?

RICHARDDon’t change the subject. 

                                                                                                                                    ROBERT-Eighteen hundred big ones each we won, on Auntie Mary. Eh? We left the races early, after the fifth race. Moonee Valley. Lucky lucky lucky-

 

RICHARD-Think I’ll order. I’ve heard this one.

CAROLE-I wouldn’t Rick.

ROBERT-We get home, and here’s Carole sitting quietly at the kitchen table reading

the paper. You thought we’d lost didn’t you love?

CAROLE-What?

ROBERT Remember Dave?

DAVID-I remember.

RICHARD-How could we forget.

ROBERT-Because of our long faces. Remember love? Then I pulled out all that dough, and plonked it smack bang in the middle of the old laminex kitchen table. Hah. You nearly had kittens love. Remember? Eh Dave? We danced around the kitchen. Bought champagne-

 CAROLE-Cheap sparkling burgundy.

ROBERT-Crayfish. Prawns. Oysters. The bloody lot. Toorak toffs. You were estatic. We beat the bastards. Bloody beautiful. Bloody Auntie Mary. Last to first. Whoooshhh.                                                   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SCENE 2.

 

THE FOLLOWING FRIDAY. ROBERT & CAROLE. AT HOME.

 

ROBERT(ENTERING) Caz, where the hell did you put my tie?  I can’t find it.

CAROLEWhich one?

ROBERTThe blue one darling.

CAROLEThe blue and red one with the tomato sauce stain?

ROBERTI cleaned it. (CAROLE LAUGHS) It’s my lucky tie. Picture of an elephant.

CAROLEAppropriate.

ROBERTElephants are lucky.

CAROLEI thought it was skill.

ROBERTIf you’d put things in their proper place darling I might be able to find something.

 

CAROLETry swivelling your eyeballs. And wear a casual shirt. Ties don’t suit you.

 

ROBERTI’ll wear a tie darling. We’re going to the Stokehouse. Have to look the part. Could cost me a hundred dollars.

 

CAROLEAnd more. I’m having crayfish.

ROBERTI’m having sausages.

CAROLEDid you confirm the booking.

ROBERTWhy?. 

CAROLEYou know why.

ROBERT(FINDS TIE) What’s it doing here. 

CAROLESince when does a public servant “look the part.”

ROBERTI’m a good dresser.

CAROLEWear the shirt we gave you.

 

ROBERTI wore it last week. 

CAROLEAnd don’t sit there all night reading the newspaper.

ROBERTIt’s Friday night love. 

CAROLEIt’s embarrassing.

ROBERTIt’s only a bloody form guide. 

CAROLEI don’t care if it’s the bible.  

ROBERTIt’s a bit of fun love-

CAROLEBoys night out you mean.

ROBERTI’m paying the bill.

CAROLEAnd I buy the food. And clothe Becky.

ROBERTNow you’re in a shitty!

CAROLEAnd whose fault would it be? You’re quick to go out to dinner when your yobo workmates suggest it. When do we go out?

 

ROBERTWe’re always going out.

CAROLEWe haven’t had a holiday in three years.

ROBERTYou like Rick. He’s not a yobo. 

CAROLEWhen he’s sober. 

ROBERTWe went to a movie last week.

CAROLEThe week before. Bloody Pharlap.

ROBERTOn the giant screen love. It’s a classic.

CAROLEWe could have seen it on Foxtell.

ROBERTYeah, yeah. $60 a month. 

CAROLEIt’s a wonder you haven’t taken me to see National Velvet.

ROBERTYou said you loved Pharlap.

 

CAROLEI said I liked it. 

ROBERTWhat’s the matter?

CAROLENothing. Hurry up. I’m looking forward to an expensive dinner. And next 

week you take me to dinner. Just us. And a movie afterwards.

ROBERTI don’t really like movies after tea.

CAROLEYou watch television after tea. 

ROBERTI can watch TV and do things at the same time.

CAROLEWhat things?

ROBERTAll television shows are the same. You sit there to see how it ends and you know how it’s going to end anyway.

 

CAROLEWhat things?

ROBERTLots of things...study the form.

CAROLEBring your form guide-and a small torch. Are you ready?

ROBERTI don’t really enjoy eating at flash places. Full of Yuppies. The bastards only sting you. $20 for an entree and you need a magnifying glass to spot the food.

 

CAROLEYou don’t eat entrees.

ROBERTHow do I look?

CAROLELike a public servant.

ROBERTCome on love. We might as well enjoy ourselves. 

CAROLEYou promised me 6 months ago you’d give up gambling.

ROBERTI said I’d give up losing love. I bet to a strict budget now. You know that. Pure entertainment  expenses. I haven’t lost love. $20 a week tops. Shit, I’m not made of money.

 

CAROLEYou put $100 on a horse.

ROBERTNot that again. It was their money.

CAROLEOur money.

ROBERTI was winning. $20 a week is all I spend overall, with the chance of winning a big one. I used to spend that on cigarettes. No more than lotto money.

 

CAROLESo you say. 

ROBERT(TELEPHONE RINGS) Shit! Who the hell’s that.

CAROLECould be Becky. I gave her the mobile.

ROBERTOnly for emergencies we said.  (INSTANT CHARACTER CHANGE) Helooo. Robert Whittle speaking... Mate! What’s happening? What’s the good word? (CAROLE MIMICS ROB-”What’s the good word?”) Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hang on one second Dave... Tone it down love. He’ll hear you. (CAROLE GIVES AN UP YOU SIGN) Sorry Davo. Yeah? That’s too bad mate. Hang fire. (TO CAROLE) Vonny can’t make it. Dave suggests we eat here.

 

CAROLEWhat’s wrong with Vonn?

ROBERTShe doesn’t feel well.

CAROLEI talked to her an hour ago.

ROBERTMaybe she developed a headache.

CAROLENot surprised with Dave.

ROBERTBe fair love. Is it a yes?

CAROLEHe doesn’t want to pay for her.

ROBERTNot so loud.

CAROLEI don’t care.

ROBERTDave wouldn’t lie.

CAROLEHe’s a man isn’t he?.

ROBERTWell?

CAROLENo.

ROBERTDave? Ring you back mate. Carole’s on the loo. (HANGS UP) Darling. Let’s just settle eh? Becky’s out for the night. We’ve both worked hard all week.

 

CAROLEYou’re on holiday.

ROBERTI’ve been in the garden all day. Look out the back. What say they come 

around later. I’ll go buy a large cray and vino. Just you and me.

CAROLEOh sure, just us. And you and your little boys. I want to eat out.

ROBERTI’ll take you out another night. I promise. 

CAROLE(SARCASTIC) The Stokehouse?

ROBERTYou’re the boss darling. 

CAROLELiar.

ROBERTGive me a kiss. (HE KISSES HER)

CAROLETight bastard.

ROBERTEconomical darling. 

CAROLEI’m not cleaning up.

ROBERTI’ll do everything. I love you. 

CAROLEWe’ll never get to the bloody Stokehouse.

ROBERTYou’re beautiful.

CAROLEAnd a new carpet?

ROBERT(LAUGHS) Let’s just sit on that one for a while eh.

CAROLEOf course. We’ll “sit on it.” “Run that by me.” “Hang ten.” Six months 

becomes two years. 

ROBERTAll it needs is a good clean darling. Ring Myers.

CAROLEIt’s embarrassing. Like your shirts.

ROBERTI’ll buy two new ones at K Mart.

CAROLEBastard.

ROBERT...Will I ring Dave? 

CAROLE...No horses.

ROBERTIt’s Friday night love. Our religion. 

CAROLEYou swore off horses for life.

ROBERTKiss me.

CAROLEI’ll give you more than a kiss.

ROBERTPromise?

CAROLEI didn’t mean that.

ROBERTI did.

CAROLEI’ve just got cleaned.

ROBERTThat’s the best time. Hey. C’mon.

CAROLE(THEY KISS) New carpets?

ROBERTWe’ll go halves. 

CAROLE(THEY KISS AGAIN)  Cable TV costs less than $15 a week.

ROBERTBugger that.

CAROLEThen you wouldn’t have to take me to the movies.

ROBERTI love the movies. Just you and me-and my torch. ...Here. On the carpet. A fond farewell?

 

CAROLEThey’ve got Sky Channel.

ROBERTYou wouldn’t let me watch it.

CAROLETake that dreadful tie off.

ROBERT(TAKING IT OFF) I told you it was lucky.

THEY KISS.

 

 

===========================

 

 

 

SCENE 3

 

THE FOLLOWING DAY-SATURDAY. 3PM. CAULFIELD RACETRACK. PUBLIC BAR. (RICHARD HAS THREE BEERS LINED UP)

 

ROBERT(ENTERING) Bastard. Bloody second. Two in a row.

RICHARDHere. My shout. Get this into you.

ROBERTI don’t want a beer. I’ve got to get the openers for the next race.

RICHARDBe another ten minutes yet.

ROBERTBullshit. Catch the bookies with there pants down.

RICHARDYeah. Watch ‘em drive away in their mercedes. Drink up.

ROBERTShouldn’t drink at the track. 

RICHARDThe race is just over Rob. Relax. The bookies like a beer too you know. 

ROBERTChampagne more likely. Bloody second. Bloody bookies probably paid him to pull it. Made his run too late. What did you back?

 

RICHARDSue wanted to look at the stables.

ROBERTYou didn’t have a bet? You’re kidding?

RICHARDI’m not you know.

ROBERTWomen at the races. What’d I tell you.

RICHARDWe’re not all mad punters. 

ROBERTYou can see the horses in the Mounting Yard.

RICHARDShe wanted to see them after the race, getting hosed down would you believe. She backed that winner too.

 

ROBERTRosie’s Choice? Bloody thing drifted. Opened at 8/1 and ran unwanted at 25’s.

RICHARDSue has a niece called Rosie.

ROBERTThat’s how Caz picks them. 

RICHARDBeats losing.

ROBERTBloody ridiculous.

RICHARDSue reckons it’s all Karma.

ROBERTAll what?

RICHARDShe reckons you’re either meant to win or not. She can pick the horses

with a third eye.

ROBERTBullshit.

RICHARDShe’ s the one collecting. 

ROBERTI’m starting to worry about you.

RICHARDHow often do you and Caz have sex?

ROBERTWhat? 

RICHARDYou heard.

ROBERTPiss off Rick. We’re at the races.

RICHARDI’m serious.

ROBERTSo am I. What do you like in the next?

RICHARDRelax. Let’s talk about something else for a change. How often do you

two have sex?

ROBERTIn the first place it’s none of your business, and in the second even if I was

silly enough to think it was I wouldn’t tell you. You’d blab within 24 hours.

RICHARDDoes she always have an orgasm?

ROBERTDid you watch the fight last night when you got home?

RICHARDHow often?

ROBERTWill you stop it.

RICHARDI just want to know.

ROBERTI don’t know do I? Possibly. Probably. Apparently. I don’t want to talk about it. We’re at  the races. It’s my pleasure time. I’ve got to go.

 

RICHARDSue never does.

ROBERTWhat?

RICHARDShe never has an orgasm.

ROBERTHow do you know?

RICHARDShe tells me.

ROBERTYou mean you ask her?

RICHARDThey never do with me.

(DAVE ENTERS)

ROBERTSilly bastard. I’m off.

RICHARDFinish your beer. Here Davo. (HANDS DAVID A BEER)

DAVIDSecond Rob.

ROBERTYeah. Bastard. The jockey thought he was riding Pharlap. Must away. Got

to get the early prices.

DAVIDThey’re not up yet.

RICHARDDon’t tell Dave.

DAVIDDon’t tell Dave what?

RICHARDGet this into you. (THE BEER) Did you spot Sue?

DAVIDShe was on her way down to the Racing Museum. She backed Rosie’s 

Choice. Payed $28 a win. Won $35.

ROBERTWomen at the races. 

RICHARDShe’s winning.

ROBERTThat’s another good reason. They always win. I’m off. (EXITS)

DAVIDYou two keeping secrets Rick?

RICHARDJust talking about work.

ROBERT(CALLS) Hey Dave. Guess what Rick just told me?

RICHARDI’ll kill you. (ROBERT LAUGHS. EXITS.) How did your horse go?

DAVIDCame third. Got 2/1 the place.

RICHARDHow much did you have on it?

DAVID$5.

RICHARD(LAUGHS) Percy the Punter.

DAVIDYou’re either going to win or you’re not Rick. No point risking hard earned cash.

RICHARDKarma.

DAVIDWhat?

RICHARDNothing. Rob spends half his life studying the form.

DAVIDMight as well bump your backside against the Moon.

 

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SCENE 4.  

 

SAME DAY. SATURDAY. 8PM. AT HOME.  

                        ENTER ROBERT.

CAROLEYou’re late.

ROBERTRicky wanted to adjourn to the Tabaret.

CAROLE      They all go?

ROBERT       Dave, Ricky and Sue. 

CAROLEDid you win?

ROBERTI was extremely unlucky darling. That close to putting a deposit on a gorgeous secondhand car for you. (KISS) Lovely little red number.

 

CAROLEI want a Honda Euro.

ROBERT       Just a matter of time.

CAROLE      How much did you lose?

ROBERT      I didn’t lose. Bloody Richard. Knows absolutely nothing about horses and

                      comes away $300 in front. Couldn’t believe it. Arsey bastard.

CAROLE      You won then?

ROBERT      I broke about even darling.

CAROLE      I’ll bet you did.

ROBERTI did.  Talk about stiff. I had Centevie going with Royal Discard 10 times. Centevie wins by a street, and Royal Discard gets done by a nose. Should have saved on it. Cost me $400. Bloody Griffiths. Only wins on the long shots. Should be rubbed out.

 

CAROLENever mind.

ROBERT       They should all be swabbed, including the Stewards. They wear hats you know, the Stewards. They have to. hide their embarrassment. And before that I backed Spoken, Barrakee, and Arabian Pool. Three seconds. Can you believe it? 

 

CAROLE      Why didn’t you back them for a place?

ROBERT      I don’t bet for a place darling. Mugs money.

CAROLE      How did you break even then, with all those seconds?

ROBERT      I had enough on Tinka Taylor in the last to get out of jail. Paid $8.50. Yes!

CAROLE      So it eventually won?

ROBERTEventually bolted in. I told you. Patience. Should have won last week. Cost me the bloody trifecta.The point is if Royal Discard gets up, bloody Griffiths, I whack the lot on Tinka Taylor at 8/1. Would have won a fortune. I told you it was a certainty. 

 

CAROLEYou told me that last week.

ROBERTDid you get the quinella?

CAROLENo.

ROBERTI told you to follow Tinka Taylor?  

CAROLEI work there. I don’t like going in when I’m not working.

ROBERTAll they’re interested in is your money.

CAROLEThey notice everything.

ROBERTI told you. Tinka Taylor with number 5 and number 9. Quinella paid $42.

CAROLEDid you take it?

ROBERTI left it for you. I’ll keep my good things to myself in the future.

CAROLE       How did the others go?

ROBERTI didn’t ask Sue. I think she’s there to look nice. She’s tinny enough to win. Dave had $10 on Tinka Taylor a place. Won 16 lousy bucks. A man wastes his breath.

 

CAROLE       Your tea’s in the oven.

ROBERTSo how was your day off?

CAROLE       Beck and I saw a movie.

ROBERT       What for? (EXITS TO KITCHEN)

CAROLE       (CALLS) What do you mean, what for?

ROBERT       (STOPS) I mean...what did you see?

CAROLE       “The Castle” Australian film.

ROBERT        (EXITS)  Any good?

CAROLEBetter than Pharlap.

ROBERT       (CALLS) Pharlap’s a classic love. You O.K?

CAROLE       Got a bit of a headache that’s all.

ROBERT       Too much sex...sorry. Take a panadeine.

CAROLEI already have.

ROBERT(ENTERS WITH A FAMILY MEAT PIE) What’s this? 

CAROLE        It’s a family pie. 

ROBERTI had a pie at the races.

CAROLE I didn’t have time to make anything.

ROBERTNever buy pies on racedays love.

CAROLEI can make scrambled eggs.

ROBERT        I want to put a bet on. 

CAROLE       What can you bet on tonight?

ROBERT       Trots darling. I got a tip.

CAROLE      You don’t bet on the Trots.

ROBERT       I got a tip. They’re on television.

CAROLE       Rob!

ROBERT       I broke even, remember. 

CAROLE       I want to watch “The Bill.”

ROBERT      Only while the race is running. 

CAROLE      I’m watching “The Bill.”

 

ROBERTFine. Watch “The Bill.” I can watch the races in Becky’s room. (STARTS TO EXIT)

 

CAROLEWhere are you going now?

ROBERTI’ve got to put a quaddy on.

CAROLEI want to talk.

ROBERTWhat about?

CAROLECome and sit down.

ROBERTOK. (SITS) I’m sitting. I’m sitting. 

CAROLE       I’ve been talking to Vonny.

ROBERT(LAUGHS) Bloody bossy boots. New bloody fridge. Poor Davo. 

CAROLEShe wants us to go halves in a small business.

ROBERTUs?

CAROLEVonny and I.  I told her I’d talk to you about it.

 

ROBERT       What sort of business?

CAROLEA gift shop. Apparently David’s willing to partition off a small area of his

                       Sports Store and charge us a nominal rental.

ROBERT       Charge Vonny? She’d kill him.

CAROLE       We’d pay the rent from the business.

ROBERT       What nominal rental?

CAROLE       $200 a week.

ROBERTThat’s more than nominal.

CAROLEThat’s cheap, and Vonny knows all the wholesale giftware places. 

 

ROBERTA small business?  Going out of style aren’t they? You’ve got fittings, stock, advertising, stationery. What about the TAB?

 

CAROLE        I could drop to three days a week. And two in the shop and Saturday

                        mornings. There’s nothing definite yet.

ROBERT       Bloody Dave. Not a word. So what’s the catch?

CAROLEThere’s no catch.

ROBERT        Money darling. 

CAROLE       We’d need money for stock of course.

ROBERT       We all need capital.

CAROLE      Vonny says $20,000 should be enough.

ROBERT      Each?

CAROLE      $10,000 each.

ROBERT      $10,000 dollars.

CAROLE      I borrow it, and the business pays off the loan.

ROBERT      Your half of the business pays off your loan. Vonny wouldn’t have to borrow.

CAROLE       Something like that, yes.

ROBERTUnbelievable. One minute you’re wanting a holiday, the next $10,000.

CAROLEIt’s only $100 a week for three years.

ROBERT      What do you intend doing with this money, buy out Myer?

CAROLE      We’ll put the carpet on hold. 

ROBERT      We’ll have to, shit. We’re struggling to pay the bills as it is.

CAROLEThat’s not my fault.

ROBERTTen grand. Jesus. 

CAROLE      It’s in my name, Rob. If I want to do it I will. I just thought I should talk it out

                      with you first.

ROBERT      The point is they’ll probably want me as guarantor. And I can’t very well say no, can I? I’d look a nice old piker. You clear $400 a week. Can you make that selling gifts?

 

CAROLE      Vonny says we’ll make more than that.

ROBERT       Meanwhile Dave cops his two hundred.

CAROLEWhat do you think? 

ROBERTI suppose it’s your money.

 

CAROLEOur money. That’s why I’m asking.

ROBERTWhen do you envisage starting up? As in borrowing $10,000.

CAROLEWe haven’t decided yet.

ROBERTLet’s talk about it tomorrow.

CAROLEWe’re talking about it now.

ROBERTLet me think it through. Sit on it for a while. 

CAROLEI’m sorry I mentioned it. 

ROBERT        I’ll put the pie back in the oven. We’ll talk tomorrow. I’ll have to get my bets on or I’ll miss out. Oh my god, nearly forgot. The fellers are coming over for a couple of hours.

 

CAROLE      You’re not serious?

ROBERT      They invited themselves. What could I say?

CAROLE      I’m not in the mood.

ROBERTGo to bed love. Have a lie down. We’ll talk about the business tomorrow.

                   It’s more than likely a good idea. I’d better get these bets on, I got a tip.

                   I’ll be in the study. (AS DOORBELL RINGS.) Shit. That’s probably Dave.

                   He left after the last. Wouldn’t come for a drink.

CAROLE       You let him in.

ROBERTWhere’s Becky?

CAROLEAt Lynne’s house.

ROBERTAgain?

CAROLEShe’s almost 16.

ROBERT       (STARTS TO EXITS-CALLS) Coming. Only Dave love. $200 a week. Cunning bastard. Come on. Cheer up.

 

 

 

CAROLE      You’re a selfish bastard.

ROBERTWe’ll talk the business idea through at breakfast. I promise. (THROWS A KISS-EXITS-OFF) Davo!

 

CAROLE(MIMICS) Davo. 

                      (ENTER DAVID, HOLDING TWO STUBBIES.)

DAVIDWell, you got home allright. Hello Carole.

CAROLEHello David. Where’s Vonny?

DAVIDShe went to an early movie. She’s calling in on her way home.

ROBERT(TAKES STUBBIES.) I’ll talk to you later pal. Spending up Dave?  Got to put my bets on. Wont be long. You want any?

                            

DAVID           The Trots? Thieves on wheels.

ROBERT       (EXITING-STOPS)  Will I get you a panadeine love?

CAROLEI told you, I took one. 

DAVIDNot well Carole?

CAROLEJust a slight headache. Vonny excited?

DAVIDOh, all tied up in details. I mind my own business. What do you think Rob?

ROBERTSounds great. Talk amongst yourselves kids. Back in 10 minutes. Here. Open one of your stubbies. Drink slowly. (EXITS.)

 

DAVIDWhat does he really think?

CAROLE(SMILES) He’s “sitting on it.”

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                  

 

 

 

SCENE 5.  

SATURDAY. 9.30PM. 

THE FINISH OF A RACE ON TELEVISION. 

                        

ROBERTYes! You bloody ripper. What did I tell you Dave. (TURNS TV OFF.) They 

                     don’t get under my guard old feller. The master does it again. Take note 

                      Rick. Number 8. Not number 3. Carole darling, we’ll have to get that 

                      television seen to. Bad picture sweet.

VONNYYou get that television seen to sweet.

DAVIDI lost.

VONNY         Serves you right. You let him talk you into it.

ROBERT       You don’t listen Davo. 

RICHARD      How about a loan Popeye?

VONNY          How much did you win Robert?

ROBERT        Look who’s talking. 300 big ones.

RICHARD      (AS POPEYE) Blow me down. (AS RICHARD) He’s not saying Vonn.

VONNY          You can lend Carole the money for the business Robert.

CAROLE        What a good idea Vonn.

VONNYIt’s only we women that get them Carole.

ROBERT        You tell David to reduce the rent. 

RICHARD      Who have you got in the last leg?

ROBERT        Piss off.

RICHARD      Not a word Vonn. Read him like a book.

VONNY          How much did you win Robert?

ROBERT        A good gambler never divulges Vonny.

CAROLE       That leaves you out then.

RICHARD      Touche gorgeous.

VONNY          No secrets in our house is there David?

DAVID            No secrets darling.

VONNY          They’d be useless without us Carole. 

CAROLE        Try telling that to Nick the Greek.

RICHARD        (TO DAVID) If you followed Rob’s advice you’d be in front.

DAVID            Will you shut up.

VONNY          My father always called them the Red Hots.

DAVIDYou’re father was a gambler.

VONNYAnd look where it got him.

DAVIDI only had $5 on it darling.     

VONNY         Not the point. 

RICHARD     How many units Rob?

ROBERT       A couple.

CAROLE      How much did you win love?

RICHARD    He won plenty. Cagey old bastard. He’s got the double at least 10 times.

ROBERT      He’s only stirring.

CAROLE      How much then? 

ROBERT      Put it this way. If Kylie Black, Golden Angel, or Poppy Low gets up in the 

                      next... I’ll get the quaddy!

DAVID          (TO VONNY) You’re my Golden Angel darling.

VONNY        Don’t be ridiculous.

CAROLEAnd what will that be worth?

RICHARD     About ten thousand big ones Carole. Enough for us to spend a dirty 5 star 

                       month in Bali. What do you say?

CAROLEI get the feeling you’re all talk.

DAVIDNo doubt about that Carole.

ROBERTAre you all talk Richard?

RICHARDDon’t change the subject.

VONNYIt’s the quiet ones you’ve got to watch out for.

RICHARDDon’t say I didn’t offer.

CAROLECome on Rob. How much?

ROBERTThey’ve all been fairly short prices love. Maybe two, three hundred tops.

RICHARD     Bull-shit sailor man.

CAROLE      Are you sure?

ROBERT      Would I lie?

DAVID      }    Yes!

RICHARD}

VONNYDavid doesn’t lie, do you darling.

RICHARDHe wouldn’t dare.

VONNYWhat you need is a good woman Richard.

RICHARDHow about a bad woman?

VONNYCould you handle one?

DAVIDHe didn’t handle Sue too well today.

ROBERTThey’ve all been short Dave. 

DAVIDHow many units did you have on it.  Not that it matters. You’ll give it back.

ROBERTBullshit Dave. 

DAVID           We’ll see.

ROBERT       What’s your story anyway? You lose $10 bucks and you turn.

DAVIDWho’s turning?

VONNY         When did you lose $10?

DAVIDI lost $5. Now who’s stirring. Honestlove. And I’m not turning. You don’t  bet to win. That’s all I’m saying. You bet for the sake of it. You bet to lose.

 

ROBERTGod you crap on.

 

RICHARD     Why do you bet Davo?

VONNYBecause I choose to allow him.

CAROLEGood for you Vonn.

DAVIDIt’s a social thing. Vonny and I spend so much on entertainment. If I win that’s fine. But I don’t expect to win. it’s not a necessity.

 

RICHARDLah de bloody dah.

ROBERT        Have your second stubby and shut up.

RICHARDPut some lead into your pencil.

DAVIDI believe we’re fine on that score.

VONNY         Don’t be crude. The pair of you.

DAVIDMost people are busy advancing their careers. Not you two.

ROBERTMost people are hypocritically sucking up to the bosses.

DAVIDWe’re all hypocrites one way or another.

VONNYExcept you and I Carole.

DAVIDEvery time either of you have a win you start to bet bigger. Why not take the money and run? Or just have a normal bet. Why increase your bet? It’s greedy.

 

ROBERTBecause you’re on a winning streak. Right Rick?

RICHARDSpot on Popeye. Strike while the iron’s on the boil.

DAVIDSo how do you know when your run’s finished?

RICHARDInstinct Dave.

DAVIDBut if you’re instinct fails you, you’ve lost your winnings. Back to square one. Or losing more than you can afford-

 

RICHARDAnd skill. Now shut up you tight bastard.

VONNYYou watch your language.

RICHARDSorry Vonn.

DAVIDIf it’s skill you’d both be rich.

ROBERTOne day Dave. 

CAROLEHis theme song.

DAVIDI say when you have a win you should bet smaller.  

RICHARDAnd be a piker.

DAVIDDoes it make you feel superior to lose more money?

 

RICHARDHow did you guess?

DAVIDOr does betting bigger make you feel more important?

RICHARDDavey wants to feel important.

DAVIDEverybody does.

VONNYI don’t.

DAVIDThat’s not the point.

VONNYEnough David.

DAVIDNo I’m serious darling. Everyone likes to feel more important. We all need to dream. Emotional serenity. I’d just like to know if they know.

 

ROBERTWe know.

DAVIDDo you know it can’t be manufactured? Do you know gambling is a disease? Do you know the Government runs on income from gambling?

 

CAROLEAnyone for coffee?

RICHARDHave some coffee Davo. It’s free.

DAVID(SHRUGS) I give up. Anyway Carole, if you really want the truth the 

quadrella should pay upwards of $500.

CAROLE        Will it?

ROBERT        It only paid $42 last week. 

RICHARD      How many units Rob? And how many on the double?

ROBERTI had one unit on each.

VONNYHow much is a unit?

RICHARD      Excellent point, Vonny.

ROBERT        One unit. One dollar.

RICHARD      Bull-shit!  Sorry Vonny. You had over $200 at the pub. Show me the

                        money?

CAROLEHe only bets $20 a week.

RICHARDHah! And I’m Jamie Packer.

DAVIDAnd I’m Rupert.

ROBERT        I had one oxford scholar on each.

RICHARDShow us the tickets?

DAVIDShow us the tickets Rob.

RICHARDCome on Buddy. I declared my $300.

VONNY          Show them the tickets Robert. Shut them up.

ROBERT         Don’t you believe me?

DAVID     }NO!

RICHARD}

ROBERT        Get stuffed.

DAVID/RICHARD PISS THEMSELVES LAUGHING.

VONNY         Charming little boys.

CAROLE       They’re only teasing.

RICHARD     He means we should all get rooted.

CAROLE      Show them the damn tickets.

ROBERT       I bet on my phone account dont I.

RICHARD     Show us the $200 you had at the pub?

ROBERT      You lot are hopeless. If you can’t take a mans word for it you can all

                       go to hell. Bloody ridiculous.

CAROLE       They’re only having a bit of fun Rob. 

ROBERT        Sarcastic bastards.

VONNY         I think it might be a good time to get moving David.

CAROLEStay a while Vonn. I’ll make coffee.

DAVID           We might as well wait for the last race.

VONNY         Shouldn’t be betting.

DAVIDI’m not. 

VONNYJust as well.

RICHARD      He’s got it going at least 10 times with each horse.

DAVID            At least.

VONNY          David!

RICHARD       And 10 times on the daily double.

ROBERT         Are you finished?

CAROLE        I’ll make coffee. 

ROBERT         The double wont pay much anyway. $10 tops. They were both short.

CAROLE         What made you pick them? You never bet on the Trots.

ROBERTI told you, I got the tip for that last winner.  And I had a  feeling. You get

                        that sometimes. I knew I had to crack it sooner or later.

RICHARD     I get the same feeling with Sue, to no avail.

ROBERTOr vice versa.

RICHARDCareful feller.

DAVIDGive him a day or so and he’ll be shouting it from the rooftops. The superiority complex. Never fails.

 

ROBERT       (PUTTING THE SMALL RADIO TO HIS EAR .)  Shush. I’m trying to hear what the double paid.

 

CAROLE       I might not have to borrow that money after all.

VONNY         We are quite capable on our own love. I can arrange a loan.

DAVID           You need the shop Carole. The independent woman.

VONNY          You be quiet.

RICHARD      I can do your tax for you Vonn. In return for-

CAROLE        Shut him up Vonn. (EXITING.)

VONNY          I’ll give you a hand love. (EXITS.)          

DAVID           Well?

ROBERT        Shush Dave, the double...Wow. $39.80.  That’s value Rick.

DAVID            You lucky bastard. Out with it. 

ROBERT        Plenty boy, plenty. Let’s have a beer. What about a quick game of poker? 

DAVID            Enough to give Carole her capital?

ROBERT        Will you shut up about the bloody business Dave. Shit. Just leave it, OK?

DAVID            Vonny wont leave it.

ROBERT        Yeah, well, you’ve got the bloody capital, I haven’t. 

DAVIDOnly asking.

ROBERTWell don’t. What’s wrong with you? Tell Vonny I’m going bad.

DAVIDYou tell her.

RICHARD      (AS VONNY) You be quiet David.

DAVID            There’s not another gift shop around for miles. 

 

 

ROBERT         What’s the rush? She’s got a bee in her bonnet. Give the thing time to  settle. Who wants a gift shop anyway? Need two bloody cars for starters.

 

DAVIDVonny likes the idea.

RICHARDDo you and Vonny still screw? 

DAVIDDo you?

ROBERTAn extra two hundred a week rent.

DAVID            That’s very reasonable.

ROBERTJust leave the fucking thing be Dave. Shit. Blackjack Rick?

RICHARDHate to take the money off you son. 

ROBERT        Ten minutes. Come on. Ease the tension.

RICHARD      No tension here Lucky.

DAVID            Not a good idea Rob.

ROBERTBugger it then. I’ll play patience.

RICHARDYou tell me how many units and I’ll play poker.

ROBERTNot again. What is it with you two? Wait and see. 

(RICHARD STARTS TO WRESTLE WITH ROB-PUTTING HIS HANDS

IN HIS POCKETS LOOKING FOR TICKETS. DAVID JOINS IN)

RICHARDShow us your tickets.

DAVIDGrab his hands.

ROBERT(WRESTLING) I haven’t won yet. Piss off. I haven’t got any tickets. 

DAVIDBack pocket.

RICHARDGrab his bloody hands.

ROBERT(BREAKING AWAY) Look, if I get the quaddy and it pays $400 plus I’ll give her the money. But don’t say anything. Is that fair?

 

DAVID            What if it pays $300?

RICHARD       You’ve won $400 on the double.

ROBERT         (WHISPERS) I had the double 5 times. Couple of hundred. Play money. I need that to build up the phone account.

 

DAVID$200 is a big win.

RICHARDChickenfeed Davo.

DAVIDHow much do you need to feel important? 

RICHARDTell you what Rob. Ring up the TAB, give them your ID, then hand me the phone to verify your balance?

 

ROBERTPiss off Rick.

RICHARDGotcha!

VONNY(CALLS) I believe you Robert.

ROBERT        Thank you Vonny. You’re a lady.

VONNY           Believe what?

RICHARD       Pick up the phone, Rob.

ROBERTNo. I mean it Rick. A joke’s a joke. Let’s wait and see.

CAROLE(ENTERING) Anybody else for coffee?

DAVIDMilk and three sugars thanks Carole.

VONNY(OFF) You get off your bum and come and get it. 

DAVIDCarole asked me, dear.

VONNY          You’ve got legs.

RICHARDTwo and a half.

DAVID           I’m coming, I’m coming. Rick?

RICHARD      You are joking dear.      

CAROLE        I’ll get it David. It’s OK Vonn.

VONNY          (OFF) You’re too soft Carole.

ROBERT        Did you watch the footy replay?

RICHARDWe watched it together dilldo.

ROBERT        Of course. Forgot. Bloody Carlton.

DAVID            (WHISPERS) Come on Rob. What’s the mail? 

ROBERT        What’s the time?

RICHARD      Sit down son. Relax.

ROBERTI’m scared of Jacks Echo. Bastard. Should have taken it.

RICHARDShoulda’s your middle name.

ROBERTChanged my mind at the last minute.

RICHARDRelax Rob. You’ve won over $500 and you’re still whinging. You’re worse than old tightarse.

 

DAVID            I work hard for my money.

RICHARD       You’re a tightarse darling. No offence. Give us a kiss.

DAVID            You’re drunk. 

RICHARDVonny is driving me home. I think she’s got the hots for me. We’re dropping you home first.

 

DAVID             Did she say so?

RICHARDShe did Dave, along with her usual words of wisdom.

DAVID            Sit down Rob. You’re making us nervous.

ROBERTYou know, I’ve got that feeling again tonight. You know? How sometimes 

                 before you win you just sense it? Like with Auntie Mary that day at Moonee Valley? Eighteen hundred bucks. First to last. Whoosh. It’s all coming back. Bloody Jacks Echo. You know what I mean?

 

DAVID            No.

RICHARD      Like it’s in your blood? 

ROBERTExactly.

RICHARD      You haven’t got any blood.

ROBERT        That’s how I feel now. I really do. I’m going to win. It’s an indestructible force.

RICHARD       A what?

DAVID            You don’t want to win. You only think you do.

ROBERTOh fuck. Shut him up Rick. 

RICHARD(EXITING) I need another drink.

ROBERTYou know Dave, it’s a funny thing. When I got on the train tonight it was

empty, except for these two tough looking jokers. So I instinctively took on

a sort of a tough persona. Know what I mean. Just in case they might have

got any ideas. I lit up a smoke. On the train! Loosened the collar, trying to look tough, you know. Plonked myself down on the seat,and accidentally sat on the front of the seat and went a cropper onto the floor. Talk about feel like an idiot. Flat on my bum. One of them had to get up and help me.

 

DAVIDWhat are you talking about?

ROBERTI just remembered, that’s all. (RICHARD RETURNS)

DAVIDSounds more like you’re trying to change the subject.

RICHARDHere Davo, it’s only light. Makes you piss more.

DAVIDI’m having coffee.

RICHARDWeak bastard.

DAVIDYou’re the weak bastard.

RICHARDAt least I can crack it.

DAVIDSo you keep telling us.

RICHARD(POTATO CHIPS) Have a potato chip.

ROBERTWhat’s the time?

DAVIDStill a couple of minutes.

ROBERTWhere’s Vonny?

RICHARDShe’s working tonight on telephone betting. She probably took your bets.

ROBERTMust be in the kitchen. She doesn’t work at the TAB?

RICHARDWish she did. We could get all the mail.

DAVIDShe wouldn’t tell you.

ROBERTWhere does she work?

DAVIDThe bank you fool. The National Bank.

ROBERTOf course.

RICHARDSo she tells you.

DAVIDWhere’s Sue?

RICHARDIn bed I expect. No stamina. (TO ROB.) Easy boy. You’ll be sweet. (ROB PUTS THE TRANSISTOR TO HIS EAR) Aren’t you going to watch? (NO REACTION.) C’mon Rob. Turn the telly on.

 

ROBERTDid you read that piece in the paper? Some psychiatrist said the keys to

happiness were to cultivate a passion, and live for the moment.

DAVIDWhat else did he say?

ROBERTIt was a she. Only remember those two. Good thinking.

RICHARDHow about Pete Plant at work-what’s his passion?

ROBERTMasterbation.

RICHARDWe checked his drawer. Full of dirty magazines. A masterbater Dave, like you.

DAVIDNot necessarily.

RICHARDIt’s a fact. Everybody does it. I took a statistical sample.

DAVIDBased on prejudice.

RICHARDThat’s how I base all my opinions.

DAVIDNot me.

RICHARDTurn the telly on Popeye.

CAROLE(ENTERING WITH COFFEES, BISCUITS) Is it on yet?

DAVIDHe’s not talking. Turn the telly on. (MORE AD LIB RAGGING.)

 

ROBERTPiss off the lot of you. I know you bastards. You’ll all think it’s a great joke

if I lose.

RICHARDWhat about the indestructible force?

VONNYDon’t be so bloody childish Rob.

CAROLEHave some coffee darling.

RICHARD(MIMICS) Have some coffee darling.

ROBERTA man’s a bloody idiot. Why didn’t I take the field?

RICHARD(TURNS TV ON.) Shoulda, shoulda, shoulda. Come on Popeye, you old sulk. We promise not to laugh. (AND PROMPTLY LAUGHS)

 

ROBERTPiss off the lot of you. (TURNS TV OFF.) Just leave me be. (HE EXITS. EAR

TO THE TRANSISTOR.)

DAVIDThis is ridiculous.

VONNYLeave him alone if that’s what he wants.

RICHARD(CALLS) Robbo. Mate. We love you. Don’t we Davo.

 

CAROLEHe’ll come good David. He gets edgy. 

DAVIDWe all do.

VONNYI beg your pardon?

DAVIDHe’s superstitious.

CAROLEHe’ll be fine after the race. 

VONNYDrink your coffee David.

DAVIDIt’s only a joke dear.

RICHARDDrink your bloody coffee. Let him suffer in silence.

VONNYWe know all about that, don’t we Carole.

CAROLEWe might get new carpets. Or another car.

RICHARDOr pay off his credit card.

 

CAROLEWhat credit card?

DAVIDDo you want him to win Carole?

VONNYOf course she does.

CAROLEIt beats losing.

DAVIDWhat about your Gift Shop?

CAROLEWe’ll get the Gift Shop. 

DAVIDRob gambles to gamble. It’s very selfish you know.

CAROLEDon’t start David. 

DAVIDBe honest, Carole.

CAROLEMind your own business.

VONNYThat’s enough David.

DAVIDI just hope he wins. If only to prove a point.

CAROLEHave another biscuit.

ROBERT(OFF) Killed them. Yabba dabba dooo.

RICHARDHello, hello.

ROBERT(ENTERING.) No bloody worries. What did I tell you? Turn the telly on,

quick. I had first and second. Quinella’d the bastards. What’d I say?

CAROLEHow much did you win?

ROBERTI dunno love. But that was my best result. Kylie Black was my first pick.

Should have had the lot on it really. Bit of luck and you could have had your business and the carpets.

 

DAVIDYou arsey bastard.

ROBERTUp the bloody workers Davo.

VONNYWell done Robert.

DAVIDHow many times did you take it?

 

 

ROBERTNever you mind you stirring bastard. That’s for me to know. Let’s just say

a couple eh? What do you say Vonn? Ricky? No bloody worries darling.

The world is our oyster. Put some music on.

RICHARDHow much Robbo?

ROBERTHow much Ricko. Give us a kiss you stirrer.

(ROBERT EMBRACES RICHARD.  ROBERT BURSTS INTO SONG, DRUNK WITH POWER. THEY ALL JOIN IN.) 

 

“Hitler, has only got one ball,

Goring, has only got one more,

Himmler, has something similar.

But poor old Goeballs, has no balls, at all”

 

RICHARDHow much Robbo?

 

ROBERTGet stuffed!

 

 

 

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SCENE 6.

DREAM SEQUENCE. SURFERS PARADISE. PENTHOUSE. COMPUTER. TELEVISION. SKY CHANNEL. RACING ODDS. LARGE PICTURE OF AN ELEPHANT.

 

ROBERT(TELEPHONE) No, no, no. No. Not yet. Just the four grand a win, two a

place. Raider. Right, in the third at Randwick. I’ll get back to you on Brisbane. Let me know if you hear anything. Your on 10% as always. Bugger it, make it 15%. For this day only, I’m feeling generous. Stay calm Charlie. (LAUGHS. HANGS UP.) Silly old bastard. (CALLS) Dave, get here.

 

CAROLE(ENTERS) Robert pet, I need money. I forgot to go to the bank.

ROBERTI’m busy darling. You know the rules. Not when I’m working.

CAROLEYou’ve been working all morning petal.

ROBERTNo darling. I was up at 6. A 5k run, into the surf, catch a few waves, pool

swim, bacon and eggs on the balcony. All before you saw the light of day.

A healthy body, a healthy mind. Check out the tummy. (CALLS) Dave!

DAVID(OFF) Coming boss.

CAROLEMy god you’re sexy, and so fit.

ROBERTAbsolutely. Healthy body, alert mind.

CAROLEWe’re having brunch at Jupiters.

ROBERTFine, fine. Back to work darling.

CAROLEMoney money, darling.

ROBERTWhat? Oh. Take credit cards, there’s a stack of them there. (COMPUTER) Shit. That’s come in. (CALLS) Davo. Get Harry on line two. There’s a real shortener in Melbourne. The pros down there must be on to something. Dave!

 

DAVID(OFF) With you boss.

CAROLEI can’t buy a drink with a credit card sweetie.

ROBERTThey’re about to jump. It’s still big value the place in a big pool. See if you can manage $5000. Number 8.

 

 

DAVID(OFF) Right boss.

CAROLEPetal.

ROBERTDraw out some cash darling. That’s what it’s there for. You know the pin number. Triple33. (CALLS) Did you get set Dave?

 

DAVID(CALLS)  He’s taken it boss.

ROBERT(CALLS) Where’s Vonny got to.

VONNY(CALLS) Coming Robert. 

ROBERTOh love. Do something about this carpet will you? Look at it?

CAROLEIt’s only 3 months old.

ROBERTSee that smudge? Bloody red wine. Doesn’t look good. They’re doing an article on me for Good Weekend. They’ll want pictures.

 

CAROLEYou want a new one?

ROBERTWhatever love. Just fix it. Not good for the image. (TELEPHONE RINGS) I’m busy now love. Hello. No, no. It’s drifting. They’re playing funny buggers. We’ll let it run against us. Thanks John. (HANGS UP)

 

CAROLEBecky will want  money.

ROBERTShe’s too young.

CAROLEShe went last week.

ROBERTGive her $50.

CAROLE$50 wont last long. Be fair honeybunch.

ROBERT(RACE BROADCAST ON) Dave, tape it will you? 

DAVID(ENTERS) Already doing it boss.

ROBERTGive Becky two hundred from petty cash Dave. Call it stationery. Get the cleaner to sign the receipt. That dress she had on was a shade revealing.

(DAVE EXITS)

 

CAROLEShe says it’s the only one she’s got.

 

ROBERT(LAUGHS) Go buy half a dozen longer ones.

CAROLEShe wont wear them.

ROBERTBuy them anyway. 

CAROLEThank you darling. (KISSES HIM)

ROBERTYeah, yeah. Whose car are you driving?

CAROLEYour Merc. 

ROBERTWhat’s wrong with yours? 

CAROLEYou’ve still got the Porche.

ROBERT(KISSES HIM) Oh right, right. We’ll, be careful. 

CAROLEYou are the sweetest, most generous man on earth. Will they be taking our

pictures.

ROBERTI don’t know. Probably. Now go, go ,go. (CAROLE EXITING.)

(DAVID ENTERS, WITH $200. CAROLE TAKES IT) 

CAROLEThank you David. Byee.

DAVIDVery sexy Carole. (CAROLE EXITS) You’re a lucky man boss.

ROBERT(BROADCAST/NUMBER 8 WINS.) Bastard. Should have had a win on it.

What price the place Dave?

DAVIDShowing $2.70 when they jumped. Finished at $2.45.

ROBERTSeven grand. Better than nothing. 

VONNY(ENTERING) Greek salad, cold meats. Provolone cheese Rob?

DAVIDAnd camembert.

VONNYYou get your own.

ROBERTI’d like a feed around 2 oclock Vonn. You know the score. (VONNY EXITS) And where the fuck is Rick?

 

DAVIDHe’s at the track boss.

ROBERTI know he’s at the bloody track. He hasn’t phoned in. I want to know what

price he got. I think he might be trying a shifty.

DAVIDNot Ricky boss.

DAVIDYes Ricky Dave. Give him a call. Double check with the bookie. I smell funny buggers.

 

DAVIDRick’s OK boss.

ROBERTI’ll do the thinking Dave.

DAVIDDid you give that other matter any thought boss?

ROBERTWhat other matter? 

DAVIDThe ten grand?

ROBERTDave mate. Don’t expect me to play Santa Claus. I’m not your banker.

I tell you what to back, you take no notice. I can’t do anymore. Go borrow

it from the bank and I’ll guarantee you. But no more betting mate. You’re a babe in the woods. 

 

DAVIDThanks Rob.

ROBERTNo problemo. And keep an eye on Rick. He hasn’t had a win in weeks. I can’t be the Bank of England. (PHONE RINGS) Yes. Yes James? No. How much? $1.55. Allright. Give me 5000. Bye. (HANGS UP) Stockbroker. Here, free lunch voucher someone sent me. Good pub they say. Take Vonny. It’s for two. They’ll probably give you a free bottle of vino if you mention my name. 

 

DAVIDYou’re a marvel boss. Thanks. Vonn will appreciate this. (EXITS.)

ROBERT(LEANS BACK. TAKES IN THE JOY OF HIS LIFESTYLE. SIGHS. PICKS UP THE TELEPHONE, PRESSES A BUTTON.) Hey Alf, Rob here, what’s the upgrade on the state of the track down there in occasionally sunny Melbourne? (LAUGHS).

 

 

 

 

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SCENE 7.

TEN DAYS LATER. 

ROBERT, DRESSED FOR THE RACES. FORM GUIDE. STUDYING.

CAROLE(ENTERING) Rob, you’ll have to speak to Becky. She was late for her interview.How will that look? Her room’s like a tip. She spends more time in front of the mirror than I do. The bathroom’s a mess. Then she expected me to drive her to the station?

 

ROBERTCan’t she walk? I was hoping to take the car.

CAROLEI’ve already driven her. You can’t have the car anyway, I’ve got shopping to do. 

ROBERTYes love.

CAROLERob!

ROBERTWhat?

CAROLEI’m talking to you.

ROBERTWhat do you want?

CAROLEI was talking about Becky. 

ROBERTShe’s in the bathroom.

CAROLEWhat is more important? Becky or that silly form guide?

ROBERTSorry love. OK, I’m listening.

CAROLEOh forget it. What’s the point.

ROBERTI’m listening love. Really. I’m all ears.

CAROLEWhat did they say at work?

ROBERTI’ve got leave due, what could they say? Wouldn’t notice anyway. Too

busy robbing people.

CAROLEDo you think it was wise. They’re putting people off all the time.

ROBERTForget work love. I don’t like it.

CAROLEDo you like eating?

ROBERTWhen I’m not there I like to forget it ever happened.

CAROLEWhy? What’s wrong?

ROBERTIt’s all this enterprise bargaining bullshit. Bloody Unions.

CAROLEWhat are they doing?

ROBERTSelling us up the river. We’re being  screwed by the bosses after the Unions allegedly try to get the best for us. Wish they’d offer me a package.

 

CAROLEThen you’d be out of a job.

ROBERTThen I’d have capital. 

CAROLEDon’t be ridiculous. How long would that last? 

ROBERTEveryone wants to change you. If it’s not the bosses it’s the Unions. The bosses want more profits, the Unions want more power, and I’m the meat in the sandwich. 

 

CAROLEYou can’t win Rob.

ROBERTWhy not? People do. Lots of people get pleasure from their jobs.

CAROLEWho?

ROBERTI don’t know. Professional punters. Bookmakers. Stockbrokers.

CAROLEPoliticians?  

ROBERTA man can dream can’t he? Lessen the stress. 

CAROLEDoesn’t pay the bills. Which reminds me, where’s your credit card bill?

 

ROBERTSometimes they’re late.

CAROLEIs it serious?

ROBERTIs what serious?

CAROLEYour job of course. 

ROBERTYou should know. You work for the TAB. Making profits and cutting staff, full

stop. Same bloody thing. We’re all just numbers these days.

CAROLECould they put you off?

ROBERTNah. Worse luck.

CAROLEWhy do you talk that way? 

ROBERTWhat’s wrong with chasing a bit of pleasure. I’m 39 for chrissake.

CAROLEI wish you wouldn’t talk like that.

ROBERTWhat’s the difference? Ambition and gambling. Impossible to get the final prize. 

What do they reckon? The joy is in the journey? I’ll take the journey.

 

CAROLEWhen does this journey end?

ROBERTEnd of this month. I promise.

CAROLEHow much are you taking with you today?

ROBERTA hundred. Got to go to the bank.

CAROLEDon’t take too much.

ROBERTYou’re doing it too. Wanting to change me. I don’t try to change you.

CAROLEThat’s what you’re doing now.

ROBERTIt’s just a couple of days off work.

CAROLEYou want me to spend according to your ideas.

ROBERTLook love, one of the joys of gambling is pleasure. Surely there’s nothing wrong with doing what you love. I’m betting with their money.

 

CAROLEIt’s our money now.

ROBERTI know. But I know what I’m doing. See us on a Friday night? We’re on a high. It’s 

exciting. That’s our pleasure. Us against them. Saturday morning in the Pub. A few beers. Exchanges of opinions. Skill. Then all day at the races. Pleasure darling. You can’t beat pleasure. Our raison d’etre.

 

CAROLE It’s not Saturday today.

ROBERTIt’s not my darling. That’s the thing nowadays. It’s on every day of the week. Well almost. I only bet on the gallops.

 

CAROLEYou didn’t the other night.

 

 

ROBERTA one-off love. Information. That’s the only time you bet on trots or dogs. What is wrong with chasing a bit of pleasure in life? I have no intention of putting anyone at risk. Particularly you and Becky.

 

CAROLEWhat if you lose?

ROBERTI wont love. It’s for us.  And even if I do it’s a curve. A slight curve. The trick is to see that the ups outweigh the downs.

 

CAROLEYou’d like to do this full time?

ROBERTI reckon I could make a good living out of it.

CAROLEI don’t know anyone who does.

ROBERTThey’re about. Professional punters. Low key. They’re in the betting ring all the time. You just have to know how to spot them.

 

CAROLEMy idea of pleasure is paying the bills and holidays.

ROBERTI’m not going to do it. I’m just saying that’s what I’d love to do. 

  

CAROLEIt’s just that-

ROBERTAll is under control darling. End of the month. Now let me study.

CAROLEExcuse me for talking.

ROBERTI didn’t mean that. Shit. Come on love. Be fair. What is it now?

CAROLEYou think Becky should be looking for work?

ROBERTIt’s only part time. A few dollars in her pocket. Good experience.

CAROLEI suppose.

ROBERTIs that it?

CAROLENo that’s not it. You know that money you promised? I could take the day off tomorrow?

 

ROBERTNot tomorrow darling, it’s Werribee. I always win at Werribee.

CAROLEWhat about the carpet?

ROBERTI’m not going to the races every day. Just today and tomorrow.

CAROLE Thursday then?

ROBERTThursday’s great. We’ll go for lunch, then shop.

CAROLEAnd what about our business?

ROBERTWhat about it?

CAROLEVonny’s got her money.

ROBERTYeah. $10,000. I promised didn’t I?

CAROLEYou haven’t mentioned it in over a week?

ROBERTDon’t let Vonny boss you about love.

CAROLEShe’s my friend. You did promise Rob.

ROBERTOkay, I’ve been on other things, but it’s all in hand. 

CAROLESo you keep saying.

ROBERTWe will go to the bank on Thursday morning. I will give you a bank cheque. Lunch.Then we will go looking for a nice carpet. 

 

CAROLEThursday?

ROBERTAbsolutely.

CAROLEPromise?

ROBERTCross my heart.

CAROLEI saw some lovely outdoor furniture at Barbecues Galore.

ROBERT(LAUGHS) Do we need outdoor furniture?

CAROLEThey’re on special.

ROBERTI didn’t win Powerball darling.

CAROLEI’ll pay half.

ROBERTThe carpet will cost $4000.

CAROLERicky said you won over $15,000.

 

ROBERTHe’s stirring. Haven’t you woke up? That’s his form. Why must you bite? 

CAROLEI’m not biting. I want to know where we stand. 

 

ROBERTI’m up for $14,000 and you’re dropping two days wages. I need the capital love. That’s how the bastards get you.

 

CAROLEHow much did you win?

ROBERTCertainly not $15,000. Shit.

CAROLEHow much then?

ROBERTWhy is everyone so interested in how much I won?

CAROLEI care about us. And our mortgage, and Becky-

ROBERTAnd new carpets.

CAROLEOr polished boards, I don’t care. It’s a disgrace. We’re earning good 

money. Where does it go?

ROBERTWhat are you talking about?

CAROLEI’m talking about you winning all that money and not talking about it.

ROBERTI care about us.

CAROLEIt doesn’t seem like it.

ROBERTThat’s not fair.

CAROLEI’ve hardly seen you the past week. You haven’t been near me in bed.

ROBERTNeither have you.

CAROLENo, no, no. Don’t try that. It’s not up to me.

ROBERT(LAUGHS) Why not? Sorry love. My mind’s been on other things.

CAROLEHow much did you win? 

ROBERTI don’t know. Just under $5000 I think. 

CAROLEYou think?

ROBERTI know. Roughly. About, oh... $4800.

CAROLEHow much have you got left?

ROBERTDon’t you trust me?

CAROLEDon’t you trust me?

ROBERTI’ve got it all love. I’m still about even.  

CAROLEYou’re always about even. Meanwhile how much do you owe on your credit card?

ROBERTI think I paid the credit card.

CAROLEWhen?

ROBERTLast week some time. I don’t know.

CAROLEThat’s something then.

ROBERTSettle love. All is well. I promise.

CAROLEI just thought with all the work you put into that garden some classy

furniture would set it off.

ROBERTFine. Classy furniture. Whatever. See how I go today. I reckon I’ve got that feeling again.

 

CAROLEYou promise?

ROBERTI promise. 

CAROLEAnd you’ve still got all of it?

ROBERTEvery cent.

CAROLEYou were very quiet on Saturday.

ROBERTI lost a little Saturday. True. Just marginal stuff. No damage. I was bloody stiff, I’ll tell you that.

 

CAROLEThursday then?

ROBERTHey, I’m not going anywhere.

CAROLESometimes I wonder.

ROBERTTime I was off.

 

CAROLEYou can have the car.

ROBERTNo. Ricky’s coming so he can give me a lift for a change. Bloody stirrer.

CAROLEBoth off on the same day?

ROBERTDifferent Sections darling. They wouldn’t twig.

CAROLE(TELEPHONE RINGS.) David and Vonny are coming over tonight.

ROBERTYeah? Why?

CAROLEGift shop discussions.

ROBERTGood. Good. (TALKS) Helloo. Rick. Hey listen mate, your car allright?  Carole’s down for shopping. Hah. Hang the expense eh. On my way. Have to stop at the bank for a refill. (PAUSE) Sure. No worries. Bye. (HANGS UP.) We wont be back before 7. I said it was OK for Sue to meet Rick here.

 

CAROLEThat’s fine.

ROBERTWell, up and at ‘em. Lucky tie. See you tonight. We’ll talk gift shop.

CAROLEGood luck.

ROBERTSkill darling. Just follow the money. Can’t go wrong.

CAROLESo you keep saying.

ROBERTYou my darling, are gorgeous.I love you.

 

 

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SCENE 8. 

SAME DAY. EVENING. 9PM.

CAROLEWe’ll be fine David. Vonny and I have it all under control. Really.

DAVIDMerely trying to help Carole. You need to get it all together before

day one. That includes proper accounting records, taxation requirements-

CAROLERob can take care of all that, surely?

DAVIDYou two are running the show Carole. 

CAROLEJust give us time David.

VONNY(ENTERING, WITH COFFEE) How’s young Beck doing?

DAVIDThe working girl.

VONNYYou mind your own business. And while you’re at it keep out of ours.

DAVIDI was talking about Becky. She’s got a job.

VONNYWho asked you? She should try something useful, like carpentry? David’s useless. Lot of money in carpentry. What do you think Carole?

 

CAROLEAs long as she’s happy.

VONNYGrowing fast. Is she studying?

CAROLEShe’s fine Vonn.

VONNYWhat’s the job?

CAROLEIt’s only part time. One day a week to start, for the TAB at the city racetracks.

VONNYShe’s too young?

CAROLEThey take them at 16. I’ll put her age up.

DAVIDSo you’re off the course, Becky’s at the track, and Rob’s the mug?

CAROLERob’s giving the betting up. He nominated the end of this month.

DAVIDHah.

VONNYMind your business. You see Rob keeps his word Carole.

CAROLEIt’s not all gambling Vonn. Rob pays his share.

VONNYSo he should girl. 

DAVIDYou keep out.

VONNYYou be quiet!

DAVIDI pay all our bills.

VONNYYou wouldn’t be much use otherwise.

DAVIDNo darling.

VONNYHave you seen any of your money yet?

CAROLEHe’s got it Vonn.

VONNYLet him show it to you. Why haven’t you got joint accounts?

CAROLEWe have. But he has a separate punting account.

DAVIDThat’s a great idea.

VONNYYou’re mad girl. 

CAROLEIt’s only an interest Vonn.

VONNYWhat about your interest?

CAROLEAs it happens we’re going to the bank Thursday. He’s promised me the

$10,000. Then we’ll look at carpets.

VONNYHe’s putting up the $10,000?

CAROLEHe’s paying for the carpets and we’re borrowing the business money.

VONNYHold him to it. Do not budge. I don’t want to interfere love but men are men. If David won all that money I’d be wanting to see the colour of it a lot sooner. 

 

DAVIDLike the minute I open the front door.

VONNYWhat’s wrong with that?

DAVIDNot a thing darling. 

VONNYHow much has he got in this secret account?

DAVIDPunting account.

CAROLEHe hides that.

VONNYFind it. Have a look. It can’t be far.

CAROLE(LAUGHS) It’s fine Vonn. Really. I trust him.

VONNYI’m only thinking of you love. If he tries to put you off on Thursday you call me. You hear? You can’t trust a gambler.

 

CAROLEAnd you can’t force him to change either. Gently it goes Vonn.

VONNYIt’s not my way love.

DAVIDWe know that.

CAROLEDrink David?

VONNYYou’re changing the subject.

DAVID(EXITING) I’ll get it.

VONNYHow much did he win, anyway?

(SOUNDS OF ROBERT & RICKY)

CAROLEEnough for the carpets. 

VONNYYou sure?

CAROLE(LAUGHS) Ask him yourself Vonn.

VONNYI might just do that.

DAVID(ENTERING) There’s 9 races at Werribee tomorrow.

VONNYThat’s your third. How many are you having? 

ENTER RICKY (WITH HALF A DOZEN BOTTLES AND FLOWERS.)  ROBERT FOLLOWS.

 

RICHARDHello darlings. Vonny. You look exquisite. And the lovely Carole. Beauty in full bloom. Greetings. And you too, old foxy.

 

ROBERTHello.

DAVIDHome from the battlefield.

VONNYWhere have you two been?

RICHARDNo worries gorgeous. The old sticky Ricky has been behaving, haven’t we

lucky. Eh Rob? And Ricky brought home the bacon. For you darling.

(FLOWERS-ROSES.)

CAROLEThank you Rick. They’re lovely. 

VONNYYou’re drunk.

RICHARDPoint 049 Herr Vonn. But no panic. Rob was driving. (LAUGHS) Old Chatterbox.

CAROLESue didn’t arrive Rick.

RICHARDTypical.

CAROLEHave a good day love?

RICHARDWe had an exciting day, didn’t we lucky?

ROBERTNo damage.

RICHARDAnd,  for the lovely Veronica. Da dah. (PULLS OUT A BOTTLE OF MUSSELS.)

 

DAVIDMussels?

RICHARDThe florist was out of snap dragons. 

VONNYYou keep them Richard.

RICHARDGood for your figure Vonn. And other things.

ROBERTI’ll put these in the fridge. (BEER. BUT STAYS)

VONNYNo wonder Sue wont talk to you.

DAVIDHad a big day Rick?

RICHARDSkill Davo. Skill, arse, and a sure fire system. Legitimate non-taxable winnings. And instinct. Knowing when to stop. Hey Rob?

 

CAROLEYou want something to eat?

RICHARDWe ate darling. Fish and chips.

VONNYGive him some coffee.

RICHARDDave’s the coffee man Vonn. He can’t hold his liquor. I brought him home, Carole. I looked after the old bastard.

 

DAVIDHow did Nick the Greek go? 

RICHARDI told you I won. (LAUGHS.) The single fronted in Brunswick looms. Or was it Yarraville? Maybe even Hawthorn now. What do you think Robbo?

 

ROBERTJust shut up Rick, for Chrissake. You’re full.

DAVIDI meant Rob.

RICHARDNo!

VONNYDid you win Rob?

RICHARDNo telling tales Vonn. Not kosher. 

DAVIDHow was your day Rob?

ROBERTPretty good. About even.

RICHARDLike the story of the bloke who went to the races, backed the first 6 winners,

come the last he plonked it all, $25,000 big ones, on the favourite at even money. Gets done in a photo by a nostril. When he arrived home his wife asked him how he went. “I broke even” he said. (LAUGHS)

 

ROBERTAnything to eat?

CAROLEI thought you had fish and chips?

ROBERTLoud mouth had fish and chips.

CAROLEI can heat up some Irish stew if you like?

VONNYLet him get it himself. It’s nearly 10 oclock.

DAVIDTwenty past nine actually.

ROBERTI’ll have a sandwich. (ON THE TABLE/SUPPER) Have something later.

CAROLEWhat about some bacon and eggs?

ROBERTI’m fine love.

CAROLESandwich Rick?

RICHARDYou know what I want gorgeous.

VONNYHe wants the mussels.

DAVIDThat’s my theory. 

CAROLEThat’s about all he deserves.

DAVIDWhat took you so long?

ROBERTRick wanted to stop off for one and out the door. Bugger wouldn’t leave.

RICHARDWeak bastard. Stale bottle of piss.

ROBERTI didn’t feel like it.

RICHARDNot my fault.

DAVIDWhat are you having Rob?

ROBERTI might try a whisky.

RICHARDAnd a beer for me Dave. One of your coldies you tight bastard. How many 

did you bring?

DAVIDAll talk and no action I’d say.

VONNYTime you caught a taxi home anyway.

RICHARDPiss off Vonny.

CAROLEEh, eh. Steady Rick. Where do you think you are?

ROBERTJust settle Rick.

RICHARD Dave started it.

DAVIDDon’t blame me.

VONNYRing him a taxi David.

RICHARDGive me a bloody beer!

VONNYGet it yourself.

RICHARDI bloody will. (HE SITS.)

CAROLEYou OK love?

ROBERTLong drive.

CAROLEShall I heat up some stew?

ROBERTNo.

RICHARDYou’ll be sweet Rob.

ROBERTI’ll be sweet Rick. 

CAROLEOh before I forget. Beck needs $150 for her weekend excursion. It has to

be paid by tomorrow.

ROBERTYeah?

RICHARDDrop in the ocean Rob.

CAROLEI told her you’d give it to her in the morning.

ROBERTSure.

RICHARDDrop in the bloody ocean.

ROBERTI’ll kick you out if you don’t shut up.

RICHARDUs professional punters.

DAVIDSo you’re pros now are you?

ROBERTDon’t be smart Dave.

RICHARDWe don’t hire out lawnmowers Davo, at $27 a day. Six of the bastards and a secret receipt book.

 

DAVIDAll accounted for Rick.

RICHARDArseholes. I’ll dob you in. Get them to do a desk audit.

DAVIDWerribee tomorrow Rob?

ROBERTThat’s right Dave. Not back till Monday.

VONNYYou are going back to work then?

ROBERT(LAUGHS) Yes Vonny.

VONNYI see.

DAVIDStill got your capital then?

ROBERTYou have to ask, don’t you Dave.

RICHARDHe’s loaded. 

ROBERTGet stuffed Rick.

RICHARDSame to you sonno. No wucken furries.

CAROLERichard!

RICHARDWhat?

CAROLEThat’s enough. 

RICHARDIt’s a joke.

CAROLEA joke’s not a joke when it becomes offensive. If you can’t be nice go home.

RICHARDPut some music on. Dance Vonny darling?

VONNYYou’ll fall over.

RICHARDTry me darling. 

ROBERTNo music Rick. Just bloodywell behave will you or I will call a cab.

RICHARDKeep it up Robbo. Keep it up Popeye and we’ll see who comes out on top.

Blow me down. Capital is all, son. Right? 

ROBERTYeah. Yeah.

VONNYI think it’s time we were going David.

RICHARDGoodnight David. Make sure you take home any undrunk stubbies.

Wouldn’t want to waste one.

DAVIDWe’ll be off then Carole.

RICHARDYou are off Dave. 

CAROLEShut up Richard. I mean it.

RICHARDSorry gorgeous.

VONNYYou’ll be sorry in the morning.

RICHARDYes dear. (ROB HEADS FOR THE KITCHEN) What’s the matter Robbo? 

(HE BLOCKS ROB’S EXIT) Pissing off are we? Everyone’s pissing off.

What’s wrong? Can’t you take a joke?

ROBERTGet out of the way.

RICHARDShow us your winnings Robbo. We’ll invest in lawnmowers.

ROBERT(PUSHING RICHARD ASIDE) Go jump in the Yarra, silly bastard.

RICHARDHah. Can’t even get that right. It’s the lake Robbo. The Albert Park bloody

Grand Prix lake. King Jeffrey. Remember? You voted for him. Give us a kiss. (RICHARD ATTEMPTS TO EMBRACE ROBERT)

Don’t worry old fellow. You’ve still got your health. (LAUGHS LOUDLY.)

ROBERT(BREAKS AWAY) Piss off will you. Go on. Get out. Go home. Drive your fucking car and get booked.

 

RICHARD(SINGS) “Money, burns a hole in my pocket.” 

ROBERTWhat’s the strength of you anyway? Smart arsed bastard. And you Davo.

You’re supposed to be my friend?

DAVIDWhat did I do?

VONNYCome on David, we’re going home. Sorry Carole.

DAVIDI didn’t do anything.

VONNYLeave it David.

CAROLETake Richard with you Vonn.

VONNYNo love. Not tonight. Call him a cab.

RICHARDWhat’s the hurry. Stay a while Vonn. Drive me home. Get us a beer Rob.

VONNYI’m not driving you home. You don’t deserve it.

RICHARDRob. Beer!

ROBERTGet your own bloody beer. 

RICHARDI’m celebrating Robbo. Nick the Greek is celebrating. We won didn’t we? Didn’t we? C’mon. Turn the bloody music on.

 

 

VONNYWe’re going home. (VONNY MOVES TO EXIT) I’ll call you in the morning Carole.

 

RICHARDI’m not stopping you. Got your stubbies Davo? Show us your winnings Robbo. Here, here’s mine. (PULLS OUT A WAD OF NOTES) Piece of bloody cake. One unit. Hah.

 

ROBERTI’ll call him a cab.

 

RICHARDStay Vonn. C’mon. Rob’s going to be a sport. Robbo baby. Kiss me. 

ROBERTGet out of it. What’s wrong with you. Shit.

RICHARDI love you Popeye!

CAROLEI’m calling a cab Richard.

VONNYGo on love.

RICHARDJust as well it’s not for Rob. He’d be lucky to pay.

ROBERTShut it Rick.

RICHARDShow us your winnings Popeye.

DAVIDTake it easy Rick.

RICHARD WRESTLES WITH ROBERT. ROBERT PUSHES HIM ASIDE.

ROBERTLeave me alone will you,  mad bastard.

RICHARDWhat did I do?

ROBERTYou know what you bloodywell did. You’re sick you smug bastard.  Why are you glad when I lose? 

 

RICHARDWe all love a winner Robbo. I’m celebrating.

ROBERTBullshit. You’re stirring. What have I done? Eh? No wonder Sue pisses you off-you’re a bloody moron. Can’t even get it up.

 

RICHARDKeep it up Robbo.

ROBERTThat’s more than you can do.

RICHARDThat’s twice Popeye. At least I know how to win.

 

ROBERTAllright I lost. Are you happy? (TURNS ON DAVID) Are you happy Dave? Are you ecstatic you bastards? I lost. And don’t think you proved anything Dave?

 

DAVIDTake it easy Rob-

ROBERTI bet to win Dave. OK? I bet to bloodywell win.

RICHARDNot today you didn’t.

ROBERT You, you bastard. Why can’t you just keep your motor mouth shut.

RICHARDYou started it. I warned you.

ROBERTYou’re like a bloody two year old. 

 

RICHARDIt’s just a bit of fun. 

ROBERTAt my expense. Great bloody friend you are. Full of fucking arse. Well you know what you can do? The pair of you. You know what you can bloodywell do. All of you. You can get fucked! Fuck off the lot of you.

(HE STORMS OUT.)

RICHARD...I think he’s upset.

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SCENE 9. THE FOLLOWING MORNING. 

ROBERT IN HIS DRESSING GOWN. NEWSPAPER. COFFEE.

 

CAROLE(ENTERING) Would you like some breakfast before I go?

ROBERTNo thanks.

CAROLEGot anything planned for today?

ROBERTNot likely love.

CAROLEYou’re not going to Werribee?

ROBERTStaying home.

CAROLEI see.

ROBERTYou go off to work. I’ll be fine. Serves me right anyway...probably drown in self pity.

 

CAROLEWhat good will that do?

ROBERTMight teach me a bloody lesson. (PAUSE) Ricky go home?

CAROLEI called him a cab. David wanted to stay and talk, but Vonny and I kicked 

him out.

ROBERTBloody David.

CAROLEHe was only trying to help.

ROBERTHe’s a smartarse.

CAROLEHe’s a friend.

ROBERTI don’t want to talk to anyone.

CAROLETurn the answering machine on.

ROBERTSoon as you go to work. 

CAROLEWhat’s wrong with Rick?

ROBERTI don’t know. I think Sue might have dropped him. He wont say too much. Gets a few into him and turns nasty...takes it out on me .

 

 

CAROLEHe won though?

ROBERTMakes him even nastier. Sometimes I think he’s jealous of me.

CAROLEWhy?

ROBERTI don’t know. He’s always fancied you. Perhaps he thinks I don’t deserve you. Where’s Beck?

 

CAROLEGone to school. Where did you go? (PAUSE) Where were you?

ROBERTOut.

CAROLEOut where?

ROBERTGod knows... I was in the car.

CAROLEI looked in the car.

ROBERTI was on the floor in the back seat. Didn’t come in till 3. Had a lot of

bleeding to do.

CAROLEThat’s a good thing.

ROBERT(LAUGHS) Yes. Bloody fool.

CAROLEI’ll get you a fresh coffee.

ROBERTI’ve had three already. A dozen cigarettes. Why am I so stupid?

CAROLEYou’re the only one who can answer that.

ROBERTThe difference between winning and losing is a nostril. You know? And it’s hell. Champagne to cats piss. All over the fucking country. All those betting pools. A world of excitement-

 

CAROLEA world of pleasure?

ROBERTCapital required. Shit. It’s a bloody drug love. You’re better off without me?

CAROLEVonny would agree.

 

 

 

 

ROBERTShe’d be right! Idiotic. That’s the point. I bet because I want to win. I

certainly don’t want to lose! A sport? That’s a joke. I mean, if I win I feel

really important. I want to do good things. I’d buy your carpet. Set you up in business. I’d love to buy Becky a car. I’d love to buy you the world.The intangible winning streak. King of the road. That’s it, you see? You never know when it’s ended. All of a sudden you’re down the black hole.

 

CAROLESo stop.

ROBERTOh I’ve stopped. That much I’m sure of. It’s knowing when to stop before 

you lose your marbles. 

CAROLEIt’s your own fault you know.

ROBERTToo late, but I know.

CAROLEIt’s selfish too.

ROBERT When you win it’s fantastic. But losing is so...gut wrenching. I just can’t bear the pain. And I know I was selfish love. But I’ve stopped.

 

CAROLEYou promise?

ROBERTHah. Yes love, I absolutely promise. I mean it. It’s like bloody poker isn’t it? Just waiting for that one big hand to get you back in business. Luck. The unknown factor. Bloody Ricky. He’s got it. Why him? Me? I’m a chaser.

 

CAROLEHe’s not so lucky with his women.

ROBERTSo it seems. Unlike me eh?

CAROLEI told you.

ROBERTAnd you were right.  When you walk onto a racetrack you leave your brains at the front entrance.

 

CAROLEYou want me to stay home?

ROBERTNo, no. You go. I need to think.

CAROLEYou need to go back to work.

ROBERTYou know how much I lost?

CAROLEI don’t want to know-

ROBERTAll of it......twelve grand...in 10 days. Can you believe it? 

CAROLEThat’s disgusting Rob. 

ROBERTI know.

CAROLEAnd you call that pleasure...maybe you need counselling.

ROBERTMaybe I do. Shit. I haven’t even got the money for Beck’s excursion.

CAROLEI gave it to her.

ROBERTYou’re a bloody marvel love. God, what a mess. I lost over $4000 yesterday.

CAROLEYou lied to me yesterday.

ROBERTI panicked love. Like a drowning rat. I’d promised all those things. I even backed the favourite in the last at 6 to 4. I never back favourites. Beaten by a nostril by a 20/1 chance. Ricky backed the bloody winner.

 

CAROLEHe told me.

ROBERTHe would, the bastard.

CAROLEI’ve got to go to work. We’ll forget the Gift Shop and put the carpets on Visa.

ROBERTWhat will Vonny say?

CAROLEShe’ll understand. 

ROBERTNo she wont.

CAROLEYou can’t blame her. 

ROBERTNo. We should go away on a holiday-Sydney or something.

CAROLEWhat with?

ROBERTI’m sorry darling.

CAROLESo am I.

ROBERTNever again.

CAROLEIt’s serious Rob. You have a problem.

ROBERTShoot me if I lie.

CAROLEDon’t tempt me. (TELEPHONE RINGS).

ROBERTI’m not home.

CAROLE(ANSWERS) Hello. Hello David. How are you...No, everything’s fine... Yes, he’s here. (ROBERT INDICATES NO, BUT CAROLE IGNORES)

 

ROBERTGoodaye Dave... No, of course I’m allright, what did you think? No, just letting off steam... Yeah, bad day. No. Still got some left... Never you mind...enough. (LAUGHS) You’re kidding? Werribee? No. I’m a bit washed out. I’ll give it a miss mate. Yeah. No. Here, talk to Carole.

 

CAROLEYes David? He doesn’t want to go. No, definitely not. Look I have to go to 

work. No. He’s gone to the loo. Bye. (HANGS UP) 

ROBERTThe bastard was testing me.

CAROLEHe’s your friend.

ROBERTHe’s cunning. That’s his nature.

CAROLEI’m going.

ROBERTTomorrow still on?

CAROLEI’ve already taken the day off.

ROBERTGood. Give me a kiss. (SHE DOES) What would I do without you?

CAROLEHave you got any money?

ROBERTI’m fine darling. Pay day tomorrow.

CAROLEDo you need any?

ROBERTNo, no. I must have $50 or $60 in coin.

CAROLEOK. Bye love.

ROBERTYou know I love you.

CAROLEI know. 

CAROLE EXITS. ROBERT WATCHES HER GO. WAVES FROM THE WINDOW. SIGHS. SITS. LIGHTS A CIGARETTE. PICKS UP THE NEWSPAPER. TAKES OUT THE FORM GUIDE. PULLS OUT HIS BIRO.

(TELEPHONE RINGS.)

 

 

 

ROBERTHelloo. Rick? You bastard. How do you feel?... Good. Serves you right you bastard. You crucified me........ Never mind about the sorry bit. You’re a hopeless pisspot. You’re sick, you know that, and don’t blame Sue... Oh I’m loaded aren’t I. Who are you kidding! You know Dave just rang. Wanted me to go to Werribee. Testing me of course before he runs to Vonny... No. Told him to piss off... No, she’s fine. I mean she’s not happy, but she’s fine....Yeah. Lucky in love. Hah.... What, you too? What is this? I’ve sworn off them mate. For life...Yeah? Taking a half day off eh... You’re kidding. What credit cards? Shit. She doesn’t know about them yet. She’d shoot me. I’ll have to watch for the mail... Yeah? How much?  I’ve only got about $10.....Tempting. You’d have to get me home before 5.30.....  Make it $200. Pay day tomorrow..You’re a champion. Yeah. Fix you tomorrow-IF I lose ... No, bugger Dave. Vonny’s bloody agent. One last try eh....Yeah. See you in a couple of hours. And suffer you bastard. (HANGS UP. PAUSE. CLENCHES HIS FISTS)

Yes! (PICKS UP THE FORM GUIDE) Come to Poppa.   

 

                            

    (CURTAIN.)

 

 

 

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Tel/ 0412-244-966. 

Email: cliffie9@bigpond.com